POV Edits are Done!!!

Not much else to say except that now I'm one step closer to being done with this novel.

For the rest of this week I won't really be bothering with it, I want the few days rest, but on Sunday I'm going to go through all my notes on the book and print out a physical copy to do some edits on. It should take me about two-three days to hand edit the chapters for continuity problems and with ten chapters that means I'm shooting to finish the handwritten portion by the end of January. February, then, I will focus on putting those edits onto the computer and pulling everything together in a cohesive, if still not perfect, story. And then a break as I send it out to alpha readers!

It was so nice to be able to reread the book this way, and it's actually my first time going through it all completely. I have a feeling I'll be going through it a lot during the next year.

See you all again in January!

December Writing Goals & State of Samantha

I'm stealing this from the genius that is Brandon Sanderson. Every year in December he does a post where he lets people know where he's at with his many projects. Since I've talked about several this year I thought I'd bring them up and tell you where I am with each of them, since the state of them has changed throughout the year. I'm also including my goals for the month and what I achieved since last month at the bottom of the post.

The Queen's Ransom

My main project at the moment. I have a 400 days plan, which I'll talk about in the latter half of the post. If I can't manage that I'll stick to the original plan, which involves finishing completely by either May of 2018 or April of 2019. Currently I'm finishing POV editing, which I'm hopeful will be done soon, and then move to continuity editing before sending it off to a few choice Alpha Readers. While that's with readers I'll be taking a crack at the "epic" version I've talked about. I don't know where that will lead, but you'll definitely be kept updated.

Lamp and Mirror

Originally the idea for this story was completely different, but now it has morphed into a victorian-era vampire romance trilogy, which will probably be my next project. I plan to start writing it by June of next year, though the sooner the better. If all goes to plan I'll have the rough draft done in September.

Whole New World

The companion novel to The Queen's Ransom (and title subject to change) will also be a project I begin in the new year. I don't think I'll get to it until the latter half of the year, which means, tentatively, October through December will be the rough draft stage of this book. 

Wheel and Cog

This is the project of my heart and I dearly want to write it, but I don't know when I will. It means to much to mess up and while the big picture doesn't evolve the small details do slowly. I don't think I'll get to it next year but I will get to it eventually, so stay tuned.

Septology Project

On the way back burner for right now. I don't even know if it will be written at this point because the spark has mostly died. Most likely I will take ideas from it for other projects, which I think is the best course of action for this one.

Previously Unmentioned

There are several projects I want to work on in the new year that I've never mentioned on here before, so I thought I'd throw them in.

Train Towns

This is a novella full of a lot of different things that I want to at least start in the new year. I want to keep it short and sweet and I'm hoping it will be good enough to submit to magazines or competitions when it's done. My plan is to start the rough draft in February.

Monsters Under Bed/Monsters in my Head

A poem that has also been circulating in my mind for a bit. I think I will begin this in May, after it's been circulating a bit more. Again, I'm hoping it's good enough, when it'd done, to send off to competitions.

DECEMBER GOALS

I'll be continuing my rewrite/POV editing this month and my plan is to also get through the continuity. However, I recently came up with a rather ambitious 400 days schedule. This means I want to finish the book and have it out there for submissions before 400 days have passed. You're wondering why 400. Well, in 400 days (less now) I'll be having my last day of work at where I work since I'll then be leaving for studying abroad and can't keep the job overseas and don't have any plans to immediately return after studying abroad. If I can have a novel up on it's own feet in that time I think it would be brilliant. Here are the next big hurdles according to my 400 days plan:

• December 15th -- finish POV editing
• January 14th -- finish continuity editing
• March 15th -- finish with Alpha Readers

The Writing Break I Should Have Seen Coming

With finals happening right now (I have one test tomorrow and two on Sunday) I should have been able to predict that I would be taking an (unintentional) break from writing but I didn't. It's really not a problem, but motivation has just been at a low thanks to constant studying and just being really really busy in general. I will return to writing Monday or Tuesday.

It's Been One Week Since the Election

It has indeed been one week since the fateful events that gave us President-Elect Trump. Since that time a lot has happened. For me:

- I finished the extended edition Lord of the Rings movies
- I finished my classes for the term
- I took a trip to Davenport IA and really enjoyed it (and I'm going back)
- I started getting ready for Christmas
- I nearly finished planning my trip to Colorado
- The sun rose
- The weather got really warm, then really cold, and now it's pleasant
- I got really mad at someone for not doing their job
- I laughed at the Joe Biden memes
- I had dialogues with people about why Trump was elected
- I cried a lot in the beginning
- My aunt had a baby boy (unnamed as of yet, but they're considering Chester, which I think is cute)
- The Beauty and the Beast trailer came out and I loved it
- New Hamilton mixtape songs dropped
- I started a lifestyle blog and love it
- I created a budget for winter break so I don't spend too much
- I sent some letters but one of them was returned because I have no idea where the person lives now
- I tried to get into contact with some friends but they are slow at responding, lol
- I read some books
- I bought a really pretty copy of The Once and Future King
- I got to hang out with my friends a lot
- I had pizza
- I actually paid for something with change instead of charging it because I'm becoming more mature I think
- I took some warm showers
And those are just some of the things. The world goes on and I am happy.

Do I still get upset when I remember that Donald Trump will be our president? Hell yeah I do. Sometimes people get cuts on their heart, things happen, and then those cuts scar. I have a few of my own and this, well, it feels kinda like how those feel. Except not really. Maybe it's just bruised my heart. It won't ever get better, it'll always be tender, but overall it will fade away bit by bit.

I saw a post by someone who said the way many people felt after the election was the way they felt when they were depressed. It was a very good way to put it, because it did indeed feel that way to me.

I ended my last post about the election with this

Is there more to say? Yes. So much. So much. too much. But not today. Today, I rest. Tomorrow I find my feet again- my strength. Take a day by a day until again we are not just walking but running. Until
Soon.
Don't let this stop your world. Let this reignite it.

and I want to comment on it.

There is still so much more to say but I don't think I'm the one to say it.

I did rest that day. The next day I did get back to my feet. I was sore but I did it. The day after that I may not have been running, but I was speed-walking. I was getting thing back on track and finding the road again. I did. And now I think I'm ready to run again. It is soon.

The next election isn't for another four years, but I'm already ready for it. These next four years I'm going to stay up on the news, on who's running, on what the current members of the government are doing, locally and nationally, and what all the policies are. I want to be an ACTIVE member of my country. I want to make it a better country- one I would be pleased to raise kids in (yes, that's far away for me, but still). And when it gets closer I want to donate to whoever I'm backing, I want to be a part of it all.  This is my plan. My re-ignition.

What's your plan?

A Change of Scenery?

Not literally. And perhaps scenery isn't the best word. But I just finished watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and it's got me yearning to write something epic. But I'm already writing something set in a fantasy world and I don't want to let it alone.

But what if I changed the story and made it an epic fantasy? Instead of a novella?

It could still be a fairytale, I think, so perhaps not so much of one. I'm not sure.

It's something to seriously consider, though, because there are, suddenly, a lot of ideas that would fit into this story in this new epic scenery.

So, new plan: finish editing and turning this draft from 1st person pov to 3rd. Then, rather than go through and fix all the continuity, I'm going to send it to alpha readers (though not all, just one or two I think) and see what they think of this version and also tell them what I'm thinking of for the new version, if I were to turn it to epic fantasy, or how I would fix this version and keep it fairytale. When they're finished I'd be curious to see their answers. Then, in that meantime, I think I will work on a epic fantasy version of this story, just to test out what it would look like. That's the new plan.

Let's see how it goes.

So.

I have many thoughts about this election. Too many to keep in my head and too many to write down. There are words to use but none that I feel like I can master.

I am sad.

Slowly, like something has been pumping in and out of my heart, not blood, is how I feel.

But the sun did rise. And it is setting again. And it will rise again- tomorrow.

Yesterday morning, before I knew what the results of this election would be, I started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended edition obviously). They are my favorite movies and an eternal comfort. I chose to watch them because I was studying for finals and wanted something comforting as background noise that would neither distract me nor bore me.

I did not know how much I would need them. Not during the beginning of the election, before my nerves got the best of me and I could only watch election coverage. Not this morning, when I woke up. Not now, after I've been laying in bed for a few hours.

There is a message in the Lord of the Rings that is helping me get through today. And tomorrow. It is a message of hope- that even small people matter. that everyone can make a difference. we just have to stand up and try.

Is there more to say? Yes. So much. So much. too much. But not today. Today, I rest. Tomorrow I find my feet again- my strength. Take a day by a day until again we are not just walking but running. Until

Soon.

Don't let this stop your world. Let this reignite it.

November Writing Goals

Well, I've gotten back into the swing of writing again, and that's been great. Part of this has to come with mastering my schedule, and the other part has to come from just sitting down and actually writing and realizing I still enjoy doing this. So yay! Also, it's Nano, and while I'm participating it's editing participating, which I don't consider as hard as writing an original novel during this time. But I'm still here to cheer everyone on!

My plan is to continue the "rewrite" that I'm doing for the rest of this month, which is basically just changing everything from first person point of view to third. It's a pretty easy task and as I've been going I've been taking notes on what I want to change when it comes time to editing and some of the questions I've begun to ask myself about the story are huge plot and book changers. Which is fine, I'm not panicking (lies). I have this month and next month scheduled for this, but at this pace I might actually be able to finish it up in a quarter of that time. In which case I'll start the hard copy editing process, which will be very cool to be able to do. I'll keep you updated if that does end up happening.

One more thing: I recently read On Writing, which is a phenomenal book (I strongly recommend it) and in it Stephen King says that you often stumble upon the "moral" around the time of the second draft. Well, I found it. And, let's just say, it's not what I was expecting. While writing I did see it lurking around the corners of the text, and I kind of denied it because that's not what I had set out to write and I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to write. But the book has other ideas and now I must write it. That moral is something like this:

Using original fairytales to exploit what it means to have the right to live and die by your own hand.

Huh. Not the story I thought it was at first but I'm not complaining. It also changes the "audience" I was originally intending for it to be written for. In early drafts it was for YA audiences. Then I realized it was a kind of universal adult/ya reading (like how most fantasy in the adult section can be seen this way). But now I'm thinking, hey, maybe it's something closer to New Adult and Adult than straight up YA/adult crossover. Of course, that's just some thoughts, but knowing who the audience I'm writing for is really helps the writing itself.

Well, those are my goals, and I'm so glad to be back writing again because it's been really, really wonderful.

GO CUBBIES

We did it, Chicago! We just won the World Series! And yes, I am sobbing I'm so happy!

History happened last night and we got to watch it!

Off to go celebrate some more :)

I made a bad decision and it's messed me up a bit

It wasn't something I didn't even bat an eye at doing, but I did it, and while there are no visible consequences- I'm not in trouble with anyone, I'm not losing any money or academic standing or friendships, I'm not getting hooked into something I don't want- there are some emotional ones.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Some people may say the thing wasn't bad, and perhaps they're right. But for me it was a bad decision. I talked to someone I shouldn't have and had I given myself time to think instead of just rushing forward I would have laughed at myself for even seriously considering it.

But after our conversation ended and we parted ways, I immediately had a sense of dread, had weird emotions rising up, and just felt adrift.

All day I've felt adrift, as if I'm not on solid land anymore. I don't feel like me all the time, like I've split into two people. The person before and during the conversation, and now, me, the person after who has to clean up for that other version.

It's not a sense of hating myself or feeling depressed or anxious, it's a sense of not being entirely present and easily pulled away from my regular life.

As soon as I was in my right mindset I made sure that I wouldn't be talking to this person again. It shouldn't come up again, and if I ever trade words with the person they won't be the same type of words and they won't be frequent.

But still.

Now that I've kind of lost myself I'm looking to find myself. I've decided to step back and really figure out who I am. That doesn't mean my life is going to change, but I need to know what my priorities are and I need to know that these are what matter to me and I shouldn't jeopardize them.

There's a board about wellness here at my school and I think I'm going to take it's advice. It recognizes several different types of wellness (spiritual, environmental, social, emotional, intellectual, and physical) and I want to start focusing on all of them. I think I'll be posting about this again, but I can't promise it will be anytime soon.

One thing I do know: I don't want to stop writing. Writing has helped me. It's gotten me back on sound ground and I've begun to see that I'm not completely adrift, didn't completely stray from my morals, and that I can turn back. It will take a bit, but this is an experience I think I needed to have so that I can bounce back from it.

I just wanted to let someone know.

I noticed something cool while I was editing.

And yes, I'm finally back to writing/editing! I've been copying over the words from my first draft into a new document and changing the pronouns and verbs so that it's a third person story. Which has been so nice because it's like a breath of fresh air to be writing again, you have no idea. But I noticed something cool about the way it was turning out, and I wanted to share it here.

The Original

There are monster’s in the wood. Everyone knows that.
     I stand, feet bare, on the outskirt of the forest. The grass is softest here, on the edge of civilization, and I like how it feels filling the empty space between my toes. Stepmother hovers, not far away, keeping an eye on me. I am still a little girl, and she worries I might get into trouble.
     Above, the branches stretch out to make a thin rooftop. I see a small monster crawl across a branch. It looks like a worm, but as it moves, the bark it goes over changes to blue. Now that spring is here, the woods will discover their colors again.
     I do not know where Father is. I never know where he is. The village priest tells me I should love him unconditionally, as he loves me, but I do not think he loves me. If he loved me, would he leave like he does? Stepmother is a fine person, but I’ve seen how mothers are meant to act and she doesn’t understand her role.
     “Come along, Jocelyn,” Stepmother calls, keeping her distance still, her arms out beckoning for me. I take a step away from the woods, towards her embrace, but don’t turn away from the monsters that lurk within. If you turn away, they know you are afraid.
     The sound of a horse rushing through the forest nearly startles me, but mostly excites me. I run from both Stepmother and the woods and towards the sound of a visitor. This time of the year it could be anyone.
     Stepmother calls my name again, pulls her skirts away from her ankles, and chases after me. I am not disappointed to find the visitor has come to deliver the news. He is panting and his horse’s neck is wet. Brandon, a village boy only a year older than me, has already fetched some soap to wipe the beast down. The messenger dismounts happily and leans hard against the staff he had brought strapped across his back. He has no scroll- he’s not just any messenger but a royal one, prized for his memory.
     “Is there a scribe?” he calls into the town. He has stopped his journey in the middle of Waypoint’s square, and people are starting to flood into it to hear what he says.
     An older woman hobbles over to him. It is Meredith, the seamstress’ mother, and behind her are her three beautiful grandsons. The eldest carries a table out for her, the middle one carries a chair, and the youngest, her favorite, holds a quill pen, ink, and paper like they are gold and rubies. The messenger nods his approval as her grandchildren set up her small station, off the right and in the front row, so that she may record.
     “The Castle and the Crown are proud to inform their people of a competition to begin immediately! The Queen’s Ransom is not for the faint of heart. There is a monster in the mountains, hoarding treasure in the heart of the tallest and deepest mountain, and within its trove is a magic mirror. Whoever can retrieve this mirror will receive a vial of enchanted gold that will cure any curse.
     “Anyone can begin the journey immediately, but there are three challenges any contestant much finish before they can hope to defeat the monster in the mountain. First, they must sacrifice their reflection. Second, they must break a promise. Third, they must discover the truth.
     “To begin the quest you are only allowed a knife, seven loaves of bread, and whatever clothes you can fit on your back. You must sleep outdoors, under the stars, and rise and fall with the sun. You are allowed as many companions as you want. You have exactly one week to complete the quest and return the mirror to the queen. The quest ends when the mirror is returned. No sooner.”
     Meredith finishes and looks up. The town is loud with whispers. Stepmother has caught up to me and has her hands on my shoulders, keeping me from going anywhere. I look up and catch her eye. She is worried, I think, though I do not know why.
     “We can begin immediately?” the blacksmith, George, steps forward.
     The messenger tells him that yes, indeed, he can begin immediately, but that if these things aren’t achieved, the monster in the mountain will surely destroy the man. Then the messenger dismisses himself by mounting his horse suddenly and taking off in the direction of Outpost, the only other town among the trees. Brandon was only half done cleaning the beast and he looks crestfallen at the idea of unfinished work.
     “Come along, Jocelyn,” Stepmother tugs at my shoulders and I follow her steady hands. “Help me prepare supper.”
     I do, and wonder at what someone could do with a vial of enchanted gold.

Here we have a first person present point of view that indicates things are happening the split second you are reading them on the page. I was really enamored with this idea for a while, and in this go-through of editing I'm only changing things from first person to third, so that voice remains the same, which has led to an eerie quality I like.

The New

There are monster’s in the wood. Everyone knows that.
     She stands, feet bare, on the outskirt of the forest. The grass is softest there, on the edge of civilization, and she likes how it feels filling the empty space between her toes. Stepmother hovers, not far away, keeping an eye on her. She is still a little girl, and Stepmother worries she might get into trouble.
     Above, the branches stretch out to make a thin rooftop. She sees a small monster crawl across a branch. It looks like a worm, but as it moves, the bark it goes over changes to blue. Now that spring is here, the woods will discover their colors again.
     She does not know where Father is. She never knows where he is. The village priest tells her she should love him unconditionally, as he loves her, but she does not think he loves her. If he loved her, would he leave like he does? Stepmother is a fine person, but she’s seen how mothers are meant to act and Stepmother doesn’t understand her role.
     “Come along, Jocelyn,” Stepmother calls, keeping her distance still, her arms out beckoning for the girl. She takes a step away from the woods, towards Stepmother’s embrace, but doesn’t turn away from the monsters that lurk within. If you turn away, they know you are afraid.
     The sound of a horse rushing through the forest nearly startles her, but mostly excites her. She runs from both Stepmother and the woods and towards the sound of a visitor. This time of the year it could be anyone.
     Stepmother calls her name again, pulls her skirts away from her ankles, and chases after the girl. The girl is not disappointed to find the visitor has come to deliver the news. He is panting and his horse’s neck is wet. Brandon, a village boy only a year older than her, has already fetched some soap to wipe the beast down. The messenger dismounts happily and leans hard against the staff he had brought strapped across his back. He has no scroll- he’s not just any messenger but a royal one, prized for his memory.
     “Is there a scribe?” he calls into the town. He has stopped his journey in the middle of Waypoint’s square, and people are starting to flood into it to hear what he says.
     An older woman hobbles over to him. It is Meredith, the seamstress’ mother, and behind her are her three beautiful grandsons. The eldest carries a table out for her, the middle one carries a chair, and the youngest, her favorite, holds a quill pen, ink, and paper like they are gold and rubies. The messenger nods his approval as her grandchildren set up her small station, off the right and in the front row, so that she may record.
     “The Castle and the Crown are proud to inform their people of a competition to begin immediately! The Queen’s Ransom is not for the faint of heart. There is a monster in the mountains, hoarding treasure in the heart of the tallest and deepest mountain, and within its trove is a magic mirror. Whoever can retrieve this mirror will receive a vial of enchanted gold that will cure any curse.
     “Anyone can begin the journey immediately, but there are three challenges any contestant much finish before they can hope to defeat the monster in the mountain. First, they must sacrifice their reflection. Second, they must break a promise. Third, they must discover the truth.
     “To begin the quest you are only allowed a knife, seven loaves of bread, and whatever clothes you can fit on your back. You must sleep outdoors, under the stars, and rise and fall with the sun. You are allowed as many companions as you want. You have exactly one week to complete the quest and return the mirror to the queen. The quest ends when the mirror is returned. No sooner.”
     Meredith finishes and looks up. The town is loud with whispers. Stepmother has caught up to the girl and has her hands on her shoulders, keeping the girl from going anywhere. The girl looks up and catch her eye. Stepmother is worried, she thinks, though she do not know why.
     “We can begin immediately?” the blacksmith, George, steps forward.
     The messenger tells him that yes, indeed, he can begin immediately, but that if these things aren’t achieved, the monster in the mountain will surely destroy the man. Then the messenger dismisses himself by mounting his horse suddenly and taking off in the direction of Outpost, the only other town among the trees. Brandon was only half done cleaning the beast and he looks crestfallen at the idea of unfinished work.
     “Come along, Jocelyn,” Stepmother tugs at her shoulders and she follows her steady hands. “Help me prepare supper.”
     The girl does, and wonders at what someone could do with a vial of enchanted gold.

Now, in third person, with the remnants of the voice I was using in the original passage, things come off in a sort of ethereal quality, or at least that's what I've noticed. And I kind of like it. It's not something I could tell the whole story with, I think too much would be lost, but it is something I could still employ in the story.

Since this is a world of fairytales I've wanted to include more of the fairytales in the story. There are only the two in the prologue and one in a dream sequence so far, and I think I would prefer to add more, since there are a lot more that the story could benefit from. I'm debating whether or not to just throw them in between chapters as sorts of breaks or to have the story kind of melt into them. It's something I'm going to have to play around with when I do my next round of editing before I send it out to people to look at.

*holds head in hands* It's been too long a.k.a. October Writing Goals

So, I haven't posted here in a while because I haven't done a bunch of writing in a while, but I want to pull you up to speed so real quickly:

I did reach my goal last month of finishing my rough draft of TQR so that's great! But I didn't start WaC and didn't write either of the posts I wanted to get to. Okay, that's fine I guess. I did change my goals a bit, and I talked about that at the end of last month. I'm going to spend even more time than I originally planned just working on TQR because it really needs my help which means WaC is being pushed back again.

The goals for this month:

Continue writing "around" the story. I imagine I'll be doing this for several months, but this is the month I'm choosing to focus on it.

Start rewriting the original draft.

That's it for goals. They're really minor, but things will probably be picking up again shortly.

New Goals

Is it any surprise that I'm changing around my writing goals? Good because it shouldn't be. Since finishing the rough draft of TQR I realized exactly how much more work it requires and how much time I actually have to work on it. I don't have that much time to work on it at all. So for now, every other project outside of TQR is being put on indefinite hold.

For the remainder of this month and then October I'm going to be writing "around" the story. By this I mean it's sort of stuff that I could have done in a prewriting phase, but it's also something I couldn't have tackled until I had the whole story on paper.  In November and December I plan to rewrite the rough draft which means by the end of the year I should be much much happier with the edition of this story that I have.

Some long term goals:
Jan2017/Feb-- Edit Rough Draft
Mar/Apr/May-- send off to alpha readers
Jun/Jul/Aug-- Write Second Draft

I'm hoping it doesn't take me this long, but even if it does I plan to start on my next project (which will either be Wheel and Cog or Lamp and Mirror).

I Finished My First Novel

I think it's going to take some time for that to actually set in. I finished. A novel. It's over. I wrote a whole story, beginning middle and end. Wow.

I'm not as excited as you might think. I have a lot more left to do. And I'm not that happy with this version of the story. So, yes, I will be hardcore editing the life out of this thing. And that DOES make me excited. I'm taking a break tomorrow from TQR, but I will be starting WaC and that's also very exciting.

TQR took me much more time than I thought it would. But I do think I've grown as a storyteller. I look forward to starting the next chapter of this journey.

Some quick stats:

129 pages double spaced

28,555 words total

That't not very many words. That's just about a novella. And, yes, this book started as a novella, but now I want it to be a novel.

So goals:

Bring it up to around 50,000 words. I don't care if it's only 40,000 but I definitely want it somewhere in that range.

Put into third person point of view.

Spend more time on secondary characters.

Describe more places and don't just have stock traveling scenes.

Do it by the end of the month.

Let's see if we can do this. (Read: nope but I can get far I think.)

hmmmm.... slacking

It's a little disheartening to realize I haven't written anything in TQR since exactly one month ago. Time to turn things around. My plan is to finish the rough draft this week and finally get around to that rewrite. Time moves so quickly!

On a side note: I also plan to finally sit down and start writing WaC tonight. I honestly couldn't be more excited it's going to be a lot of fun.

September Writing Goals

It's been a while since I last posted and that's not due to the fact that I've been writing furiously. Because I have not been. Because I have been bad and easily distracted. Sad face.

Before I get into my goals, can I bring your attention to the name of the Blog. It was previously called Fernweh, and while I still really like that word, I wasn't in love with it as the title of my blog. So, for now, it's going to be called The Motley Bird, based off of a very strange bird that appeared in my dream last night.

Onto the goals!

I want to finish up the first draft of The Queen's Ransom. I have a feeling it will only take me sitting down and pounding away at the keyboard for about three hours to finish this one up, and I'm both excited and saddened that it will be over. But we both know that it's not exactly tip-top shape, so I also want to get most of the way through editing/rewriting the book. It's going to take pretty much all my time this month, but it's something I'm super eager to start digging into.

It's also time to finally start writing Wheel and Cog! I want to lock down the history of the world in the book (it's more or less our history but with a few modifications) and then I want to get about a third of the way into the book before all is said and done this month.

Not writing related, there are a few blog posts here I finally want to get around to writing. I tend to start posts and then not finish them and publish them, and since I hate scheduling things here and like it to be "of-the-moment" posting, I don't often like to share what is in the works behind the scenes here. But, these are two posts I think are important to get out this month. One is about diversity in books and why it's important and my take on it. I have a lot of things to say and I've been debating how to say them every morning for a week. I also want to write about what books mean to me. There's a little bit of a sad story in there, but nothing too bad.

Do you remember Lamp & Mirror?

I talked a little about this story (LaM) several weeks ago. It was intended to be a stress reliever story that I slowly serialized here for everyone to read and enjoy. Well, I learned pretty quickly that the plot I had for the story was very thin and not good reading and it was hard to write so I scrapped it pretty quickly. I didn't have any plans to continue it in any regard.

But last night an old idea I had rose to the front of my mind as I fell asleep. And I realized I actually really wanted to tell this little gem still, even though I haven't thought about it in a few years. My problem with this story? I didn't have the characters for it. I knew the roles for the main characters, but I didn't actually have people willing to fill it.

And then I realized= LaM was missing plot, old idea was missing characters... would it work? So I played with the idea in my head all night and GUYS IT WORKS SO WELL. So, so well. Everything fit like a puzzle and the story blossomed from a short story/novella to a full fledged trilogy and I added two new characters that didn't even exist in my head before and it's awesome.

I normally don't give out descriptions for things before I've at least begun writing them, but I'm so excited right now I just need to share at least part of this story, so I'm going to share how all the characters connect.

Alexander (Alecks) Lamp is adopted by the Mirror family after his own parents, who have been faithful servants and guardians for the Mirrors for nearly a century, are killed unexpectedly. The Mirror's raise Alecks alongside their son, Edward (Eddie) Mirror, who is only a year younger than Alecks. One night, when the boys are nine and ten respectively, vampires (a monster everyone is aware of and is afraid of- think Dracula meets Vampire Diaries for an idea of this version of vampires) break into the house and kill nearly everyone. Alecks keeps Eddie safe during the attack, even though he takes brutal injuries himself, and they are the only two left alive in the house when Eddie's oldest sister finally arrives to save them. From that point on, Alecks promises to be Eddie's guardian and protect him from every threat.
The two are inseparable until the night, when crossing a bridge, Alecks tries to keep a drunk Eddie from walking along the edge to prove his bravery. Out of nowhere thugs arrive, completely human thugs whose only real threat is a knife. Alecks is able to take care of them easily, but not before Eddie is pushed into the river below, his body never found... by humans.
Sebastian Locke is handsome, wealthy, and arrogant- he's also a violent and ruthless vampire who finds Eddie and turns him into a vampire after keeping him in a stasis state for three years.
Meanwhile, Alecks has been miserable since that night when he seemed to lose all purpose in life. He's taken a few jobs here and there and is employed as a small-time bodyguard meant to keep vampires out of a bar when he finds a homeless girl with no memories of who she is except her name, Caragh Bronwing. He takes her to his home, forsaking his job. Charmed by her, he agrees to help her find out where she came from.
But Alecks and Caragh's journey quickly intersects with that of the city's most violent vampire and its youngest.

The trilogy is planned to take place in London, I'm thinking a version of Victorian England, but that might change (certainly not modern, and not too far in the past). I plan to start writing this after I've made some headway with Wheel and Cog, and I'm so excited.

One thing about the romance- a large part of the plot for the book is actually built around romance (but I'm not saying who's with who!) and it is going to be integral to all four of the main characters during the course of the series. While it's not necessarily the driving part of the books, this series is more of a romance than the other two projects I've been working on lately. Side note: there are no love triangles.

The Hazards of Prewriting

Two posts in one day, that's pretty crazy!

Okay, so basically I wanted to do a bunch of prewriting and preplanning for WaC so that I could avoid continuity problems like I've run into with TQR. But WaC has been in my head so long, starting to plot it down on paper has been tough. And it feels stifling. The characters in my head are alive and reducing what they have to say to a few broad strokes that is my outline is really not working out. I got the first few chapters done, but honestly it's become not just a pain but a waste since I'm overwriting when I could just be writing.

So no more plotting/outlining for this book. I know all the major parts, and I know that they have to be hit and about when in the story they need to occur, it's just the connective tissue is missing the details. I'm sure they'll come.

I look forward to finally writing WaC, but I'm also incredibly nervous and worried that it's going to be one heck of a headache. I mean, something this close to me is going to be something I need to wrestle down. Wish me luck.

XOXOX

Good books make me want to make good books

The book in particular, today, is The Raven King. I've just finished it not even ten minutes ago and I'm reeling. Reeling. I don't think I can put into words my feeling for this series. Saying I liked it isn't really right. Saying I loved it doesn't really capture what I mean to say. I can't capture what it is or what it means to me (which means the review is gonna be hell to write).

But it does inspire me to write. Not because Maggie Stiefvater is practically famous and her books do so well- no, because I want to see my stories on paper and I want other people to read my words and have emotions because of them.

It was good and now I want to write. So write I shall. The rest of the day, probably, will be dedicated to writing. So, thank you Mizz Stiefvater, for your beautiful inspiration.

Septology Project

This idea has just sort of snuck into my head and now it won't leave me alone. I haven't written a word down, but my head has just spiraled away with what this story is and where it will go. 

Here's what I know:

- Besides those four characters I outlined briefly in the earlier post, I have a bunch of spare characters floating through my head that had books/series' at one point but nothing substantial and so now they're waiting for homes and they would all fit in here pretty nicely.

- While there will be both male and female main characters, the only characters with POV points will be women. That's the plan! And that sounds kinda easy, but guys, can you think of an epic fantasy series that only relies on female narrative? I can't, at least not one of the extent to which I'm imagining for the breed of fantasy I want to write.

- It's going to be a cross between Star Wars, Game of Thrones, and Throne of Glass. Okay I hate when publishers describe things like this, but those are the big influences on the series right now. It's not really a cross between any of those things but it's also definitely heavily influenced by those three.

- It's as much sci-fi as it is epic fantasy. So it's epic sci-fi (I guess??). Basically, there are at least four planets and each of them is a fantasy world (along the lines of Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings so like "epic" fantasy worlds) and they do communicate with each other. There will be a way for cross-planet travel. I'm thinking maybe ships (but not the rocket kind, the ocean kind except in space!)

- It's going to be massive. Like the size of Game of Thrones (I keep tossing that one around, huh? yeah, I was talking about it with someone and it spurred some ideas into action). Each book will be probably be around 300k a piece if not more. The store is huge because there are at least four planets to tackle.

- The plot is a huge work in progress, but I know basic character arcs and I know where I want the first book (and the second) to end for many of the characters.

When will I have time to work on it? Well, it will be reward, I guess. When I reach a certain amount of writing in my main project I'll let myself dabble with these books and these characters. I don't want to go full steam ahead, though, because I don't want to dedicate all my time to the series quite yet. I have so many ideas clamoring around my head and only so much time. I want this series on paper, but it's going to be slow going.

Also, regarding the all-female narrative for this epic sci-fi series, I really love this idea. BAMF women are my thing. But there are a lot of interesting men in the series and I wouldn't balk at writing short stories or alternate scenes from their point of view that wouldn't be part of the main book.

Well, that's what I've got so far for Septology Project.

An idea and where I'm at

I've been posting a lot lately, this is strange! Strange in a good way. I hope I'm not too annoying, haha!

So, you may have noticed that TQR is at 70% now. Yay! I'm almost done and that's so awesome. I'm still behind, but not by as much, and writing, once I sit down and start doing it, has been really easy lately. No idea why but the words have just started to flow.

In my original plan I was just going to do some light edits, on a hardcopy, before sending it off to some friends to read, but because of all the continuity issues and the fact that I want to completely change the POV, I think I'm going to be doing some major rewriting instead of the light edits. It'll be a bit of a time crunch, but it's not going to involve me coming up with a story, just making the story better with clearer details and patching up all the major issues.

And recently I've just had another idea. It doesn't have an exact plot, yet, but it has a shape and it has at least five solid characters, that would all be viewpoint characters. I'm not sure if it's going to be YA or NA but it will hover somewhere around there. I almost want it to be NA so that I can play around with things in ways I can't with YA. I do know that right now it looks like there will be seven books.

I can't say much about it, but I really love it so far (at least in my head) and it's such a wide world I think I could have fun there. When I have spare time between writing TQR and starting back up on my prewrites for WaC I want to work on this one. For the sake of things let's just call it Septology Project.

Here's a little peak at the characters (each line is a character and I have them each based around the idea of duality):

The Soldier/The Coward
The Lover/The Thief
The Hero/The Villain
The Healer/The Assassin
The Queen/The Prisoner

What do you think?

Welcome to my petty, competitive side:

I'm not normally a petty person but in some things I get so angry that I just want to have the last laugh.

Lately I've been thinking about high school. I'm currently a sophomore in college, so high school wasn't that long ago. But during the last year or so I didn't really let myself think about it. I was ready to leave and, honestly, there are only a few things I miss (my old history teacher, the french fries, the warm cookies, a pair of English teachers) and little else. The people I wanted to stay connected with I did (more or less).

But near the end of the last school year and this summer I've really given a lot of thought to it. And I realized that I had really hated high school. Maybe not actively, but passively. It wasn't really an environment I enjoyed learning in and I always felt like an outsider.

So much of an outsider that I didn't realize it until after I had graduated. I had known I wasn't really a popular kid, but looking back I'm able to see, now, that I was never on anyone's radar. I really ignored that while I was there and I think that's probably a good thing. My mental health was starting to deteriorate around junior year anyways, and had I fully recognized my role at the school during that time I think things might have progressed much more disastrously.

I'm not going to go into details (today. I might someday. When I feel like I can talk about it without getting really upset about certain things I've only just begun to recognize and realize about my high school career) but I just wanted to set up as to why I have this little fire lit inside me regarding high school.

I'm always setting goals for myself (have you noticed, haha) and this most recent one is a petty little stab at all the people I went to high school with.

By the time the five year reunion rolls around I want to be a published author. Or about to be published. I want to have at least signed a contract with a publisher agreeing to publish a book I've written. Ideally I'll already have a book borne into the world and sitting on shelves at Barnes and Noble.

By the ten year reunion I want to be a New York Times bestselling author. Wow, that's a jump, you're probably thinking. But, honestly, it's a dream I've always had. In fact, I've talked about it here on the blog before. I don't have to be number one on the list by the ten year, but I want to have at least hit the list once so that my books can, from that point onward, tell the world that I was on the list.

By the fifteen year reunion I want to have a stable career. Okay, maybe this should be ten year, you're thinking? Well, who knows. If they both happen, then great. But if I can just write for the rest of my life and not have to ever have another job then I would be happy. If I can manage to secure this dream by the fifteenth I'll be pretty happy.

By the twenty year reunion... well, actually I don't know what I want this goal to be. Yes, I want a milestone to be passed at this point, but I don't know what I want that milestone to be. That goes for the rest of the reunions after this as well.

So maybe you're thinking, that's not very petty, Sam. Well, it is because there's an extra motivation working outside of my regular ones for these goals: I want to prove to these people I went to high school with that I'm fucking awesome and rub it in their faces. (A few people in particular, but I'm not naming names.)

To recap (mostly for myself): in 2020 I want a book published, in 2025 I want to be on the bestseller list, and in 2030 I want a steady writing career.

A little bit of writing inspiration and some goals

I am ten days behind my schedule for when I wanted certain things done. Which wouldn't make me so frustrated except that I was just being lazy and had already elongated my schedule quite a bit to make room for these sorts of things. So I thought I'd put some goals out on here that would really motivate me since you guys are reading it and judging me.

August 11
TQR for half hour
August 12
TQR for half hour
August 13
TQR for 45 mins        
edit for 15 mins          Reward: giant cookie slice from pie five
August 14
TQR for 45 mins
edit for 15 mins
August 15
TQR for an hour
edit for half hour
August 16
TQR for an hour
edit for half hour          Reward: try new "coffee bar" place
August 17
TQR for half hour
August 18
TQR for half hour
August 19
TQR for an hour
edit for half hour          Reward: treat myself to a cookie dough shake from Sonic
August 20
TQR for 45 mins
edit for 15 mins
August 21
TQR for 45 mins
edit for 15 mins          Reward: get small sketchbook for school

Big Rewards:
Finishing Chapter Six  Buy the first book in the Codex Alera series
Finishing Chapter Seven  Buy new pens

***Can you tell that food, books, and art motivate me? Haha I hope this works I really do. If I fuck up and don't meet a goal I will be commenting below that I have messed up and, so, that's how you'll know I guess.***

Why is writing so hard?

If it was easy I suppose it wouldn't be worth it. But still.

I haven't written in a few days. It's awful! I'm so far behind where I want to be right now. Ugh, I'm so lazy sometimes. It wasn't even depression this time that stopped me from writing, I was literally just being a lazy person.

Well, I've promised myself I can buy the first book in the Codex Alera series if I manage to catch up, so tomorrow (and tonight) I'll be hitting the keyboard pretty hard.

Hello, Unexpected Sequel

Or should I say companion? Because you're not a proper sequel are you?

You're set in the same world as TQR but in another part with different characters ten years later.

A cursed solder? A violent princess? A sphinx? All wrapped up in an Aladdin retelling?

Hmmm you've piqued my interest. Perhaps I'll spend some time with you sooner than expected, little companion novel.

For now, I shall call you "A Whole New World" (WNW) as I don't know your proper title yet.

i want to talk about something serious and personal:

I want to talk about weight.

More specifically, my weight.

I weigh 158lbs. And for my 5foot1inch frame that puts me into, according the bmi (body mass index) chart, in the obese category.

<<Deep breath>> This is hard to talk about but if I put it up here I think it will help me stick to it.

I want to lose weight. I've wanted to lose weight for a while. And now, I really really need to lose weight. Here's why:

For health: Lately I have been feeling sick and sluggish and just icky. My chest has been hurting, my skin is bursting with uncomfortable and messy acne, and I'm super emotional and have very little motivation. I think my weight has something to do with all of this. Not only is it a drain on my physical health, but I think it's also hurt my mental health because I am both stressing over things like chest pains and also unhappy with how I look.

For vanity: Yeah, this is a part of it and I'm not ashamed by it. I've never been very skinny and I've always felt clunky and a little of an outcast because of it. Say what you will about body positivity (and I've never been bullied because of my weight or anything it's just been a silent thing I may be hallucinating about but still) but as much as I try to be positive I only manage it about 50% of the time. And if I want to lose weight because of vanity, why not? It's my body and if I think it will make me happier and healthier why wouldn't I try it?

So here's how I'm going to do it.

End Goal: Get to 120 lbs in less than a year. 120 is a healthy and, according to BMI charts, "optimal" for me so that's my goal. I'd love, for once in my life, to be "optimal".
Step Goals: Lose 2 lbs a week. I think this is totally possible. At least for now. If I find this a far too easy task I'll definitely raise the goal.

Working Out: I plan to work out every day or so. Even a little is something. I want to wean myself onto harder workouts. So next week is when I'm going to really kick it into gear and try to run a mile every single day. It's a little intimidating but also a little exciting. I'll have to find something to watch/read/listen to as I run. I'm up for suggestions!

Dieting: The big thing right now is going to be cutting out snacks and extra sugars. Which means only soda thrice a week. Thrice sounds good. And then I can have a soda Friday, Saturday, and Sunday which is when I tend to want soda with a meal as I tend to eat out then anyways. I think I can do it. And I definitely have to cut out a bunch of candy. I eat far too much as it is. Having smaller meals and stopping before I'm full are also things I want to implement but they're not the major goal at the moment.

When I'll post next about weight: when I lose ten pounds and keep it off for a week. I think that sounds good. Or this time next month. Whatever ends up coming first. I think both will happen at the same time.

That's it for me. It's easy to put goals down and it's harder to face reality and deal with these things. So, this is just to put it out there and help keep me accountable.

sometimes i hate my writing

First of all, I'm a dreamer. And dreams are so much sweeter than hard work reality.

I always start off a novel and fall in love with the story and take my time with the writing and really love the whole piece to bits. And then I hit the doldrums and everything seems gray and dry and awful and I imagine sending the story to friends to read and imagine they'll laugh me out and see me as the fraud I am.

And boy am I having a hard time with TQR in this regard right now. I think a big reason is because of my recent decision to change the point of view from first to third person. I write the story and think, this is awful I should start over the way I want. But if I let myself start over I will never finish. And above anything else I want to finish this novel.

I think it's more important for me to finish this novel at this point than it is to actually make it publishable. Finishing is the hardest part for me. I've never done it. So this needs to be the one that is finished and even if it's utter crap I'm still going to edit it, send it alpha and beta readers, edit it some more, rewrite it into the correct point of view, and see then if it's good enough to try to find an agent for. If it's not, well, it's still quite the accomplishment.

So, sometimes I really do hate my writing. And sometimes I think it's fine. And rarely, though it has happened, I love my writing.

Slowing Down

Sometimes, when I set goals for myself, I don't set them realistically. And I think that's what has happened with my writing goals. So I went back through them and gave myself more time to get certain chapters finished. No, I don't have to do this, but it actually helps relieve my stress when I can look at something and go "Yes, I'm on track".  So that's what I've done.

As such, dates for completion have changed quite a bit. Instead of finishing the first draft of TQR on August 3rd I'll now be aiming to finish it on September 5th. I'm not in a rush with this book and adding a month of time is going to be really beneficial especially since the chapters have been getting much longer than I originally had planned. I have a feeling I'll actually finish this one earlier than the deadline I have planned, but better safe than sorry, right? And, hey, things are moving along quite nicely still!

TQR is getting a BIG change

I've been having a hard time with chapter length and point of view for TQR for a while now. I'm pretty set on having the book be exactly eight chapters + a prologue and epilogue (so, really, ten chapters total) and that Jocelyn would be the main narrator for these chapters with Wylan only chiming in with his POV every other chapter or so.

But it's led to one major problem- the chapters where they both have POV parts is split into two sections and so if an event I want Jocelyn to tell happens during the section of the chapter that would overall be better for Wylan then he's the one who tells that section of the story. And there's really nothing wrong with it, but I feel like it could be better from Jocelyn's POV.

So I've been tossing around an idea and I think, after I finish the Rough Draft and some early editing I'm going to shift the story to third person POV. Now, this is a huge change for the story. Most of the scenes are going to have to be rewritten entirely and the second draft is going to be closer to the first draft than the final one, which is a little of a setback. However, I think the story will be so much better with this change! And the plot will remain intact and will probably be stronger and smoother during the second draft so I really only have to focus on the words themselves which will lend itself to making everything read clearer and nicer.

Whelp, off to continue. Recently set some daily goals for myself (which involve over 2k words a day, gulp) and I need to really stick to these goals this time around.

this blog has two (maybe three) parts

When I created this blog I created a personal space for myself. I have another blog, which I love dearly and have no plans of quitting (ever), but, while there was always a pocket of space there for my own thoughts and writings, it has always been dedicated to books and I want to keep it that way. Fernweh (which is German for "Wanderlust" or "farsickness") is something I created to really let myself just be myself.

The first part of this blog is for my thoughts and emotions and meltdowns and good times and bad times and strange times and all those other times when I just need to talk or write down what happened. I've already posted things like this. Yes, sometimes I'll be a downer on here, but that's because it's where I put things that I need to say and have no one to say them to. If I don't say them, or express them, things get worse. And I want to be honest on here, I don't want to just show the good times I want to show the bad times. But I realize there have been a lot of bad times lately so I hope soon there will be good times to talk about as well.

The second part of this blog is for my writing. On my other blog I talk about writing whenever something big happens in my writing but I feel like it's become distracting on that blog and I wanted a place where I could dedicate most of the posts to writing and how my stories are going. So this is going to be that place. More in a few paragraphs.

The "maybe third" part of this blog is for my adventures. I've always wanted to go on a bunch of adventures around the world and just enjoy myself and all the cultures I happen to cross and explore. Well, I don't really have the finances for those sorts of adventures (yet) but whenever I do something I determine to be an adventure I'll be posting about it here. This sort of goes with the first part, but it's also a bit separate. Someday I hope all three parts will intersect into something beautiful.

My Writing

I wanted to set down some goals for my writing. In general I've got pretty lofty dreams. But, hey, shoot for the moon, right? I'd rather be among the stars anyways.

First of all, I want to publish a novel. Hell, I want to publish a bunch of novels and I want them to be wildly successful. I don't expect this to be an overnight, debut book sort of journey, but I want to continue writing for the rest of my life and I want to someday see my name at the top of the New York Times Bestselling List so that I can print it out and frame it on my wall and look at it and smile.

Second of all, I want to write a movie script. And a TV script. Actually, several TV scripts. As for the movie script, though, there are two stories in my head that I really want to make real. Not only do I want to write the scripts but I want to direct the movies. And someday I want to be a successful director/screenwriter and have my movie nominated for the Best Picture Oscar. And I want my movie to win it. I don't know what that movie will be, but I want it to happen.

Third of all, I want to write a graphic novel/comic series. I have two ideas but I can't draw for the life of me. So I hope to meet someone who can and who shares my passion for a few ideas I have. This isn't my main goal at the moment, but I plan on making it happen sooner or later. I love the ideas I have for the series' and graphic novels are the best form.

Fourth of all, I want my books to gain a fandom following and I want to see people's art and fanfic and love for the series and I want it to change people's lives the way reading and books have changed my life. I want my books to make people feel like they have hope. I want aspiring writers to look at my work and say it made them want to write and I want to influence the next generation of writers to create even greater things.

Those are my goals. I don't want them to sound like I think a lot of myself (trust me, I actually think very lowly of myself) and that I'm just a prodigy or something. I know I'm not I just want to put the goals out there because they are my dreams and God help me there is nothing that can keep me away from reaching these dreams except myself. If I work hard enough for long enough and never give up I can get these things done. And hey, if you're reading this post you can totally help keep me honest and remind me that I have lofty dreams so I better kick my own ass and get to getting things done!

As for what I'm writing at the moment, I have three projects. I might create a tab for these works at some point but ehhhh I kinda want this to be a one page blog for reasons.

My main project (and the one I talked about the other week when I said I was at the halfway point) is The Queen's Ransom (TQR) and is a novella (I think- it may just end up being a really, really short novel, we'll see) about a girl named Jocelyn who is cursed and by partaking in the Queen's Ransom, a quest, she may be able to cure herself. It's more complicated than this, but I don't want to reveal too much at the moment because it's in a fluid state where huge plot points are still changing.

My side project, and the next novel I'll be writing, is a series that is near and dear to my heart. I had the idea for this series back in junior year of high school (currently a college sophomore) and it has stuck with me ever since in such stark colors that I can't help but write it. It's a steampunk trilogy (for now...) called The Wheel and Cog Chronicles. The first book, of which I've been doing a lot of prewriting, is Wheel and Cog (WaC). Haha, no description to share yet because, well, it's a hard one to describe and once I start drafting it and actually getting it on paper it might be easier to explain but we'll see.

The third project, which is a stress reliever more than anything else is called Lamp and Mirror (LaM). It's going to be a series of short stories or episodes that I plan on posting on this blog when I've got quite a few written. I have no plans to publish this in any traditional way whatsoever I want it to be a free resource online for people to enjoy (hopefully) so the plan is to write the stories, edit the stories, publish them here for feedback and for your enjoyment, edit them a little more and then put them on kindle for free (perhaps all bound up together just to make it easier). We'll see but hopefully I'll be done with this little project around Christmastime. No description for this one yet, either, since I'm still in the plotting stage.

Well, that's me for now.

i keep forgetting i'm not allowed to be in a bad mood at home

because if I am people have a tendency to let me know it's my fault for being mad or angry and then to tell me something to make me feel worse as if that, also, is my fault.

this trailer makes me emotional

In a good way.

i did it! (or: i wrote half of a rough draft)

I'm at the halfway point for my current WIP's rough draft and I am very proud of myself! It's just a rough estimate of the halfway point because I know, from my plotting, that I'm at the halfway point chapter-wise and but this seems like a pretty good benchmark.

I don't think I've ever really gotten to the halfway point before so this is pretty exciting. I co-wrote a novel with a friend several years ago, but I count that as more of an exercise in the craft than an actual novel (don't ask why it fits in my head this way) so if I finish this it's my first novel. Here's to hoping I can make it the other half!

how i diffuse

Words.

Back up: today there is a coup happening in Turkey. I am here watching from across the sea and on a screen. I am very upset about everything.

When I get upset there a two things that happen. Either I am a bomb ready to blow, full of energy, wanting to punch walls or punch the bed or rip pages out of books and magazines. Or I am nothing and I lay somewhere existing minimally.

Today is the former and I am almost glad because that is when I have more control. As much as I want to, I don't hit walls, I hit pillows, I hit my bed, I hit soft things that will bounce back. I don't rip out pages, I rip up cardboard or old newspaper. Sometimes I try to rip already ripped clothing but I am often not strong enough to create a good tear.

And I can diffuse the bomb.

Music on repeat is one of the best things I can do. I listen to the same song, though the song itself doesn't matter (today it is Popular Song by MIKA feat. Ariana Grande because that's what the shuffle gods chose). The words don't really matter. I just keep them playing. Even if I don't hear it at least I don't hear the rest of the world.

Writing in manic sprints is the other best thing I can do. Writing is the best outlet for me. Sometimes that's TQR, sometimes it's just plotting, sometimes its a blog post. Tonight it's a blogpost.

Sometimes I'm just filled with a burst of energy, good or bad, where I feel like a bomb and, when I'm rational enough, I grab my computer and furiously type something out. When it's TQR it only takes a page or two before I've calmed down enough to either sleep or get on with my day. A few nights ago I was just struck with this energy and got through a page and a half without realizing time was passing and then just stopped because all that energy was wasted.

The energy often feels like something I need to physically exert. But at weird hours of the day I can't just go running. Especially since I am not a good runner and the the energy comes later in the evening or early in the morning.

I've been trying to exert the energy before it arrives but I don't think it's working. So for now, to defuse, I use words.

i have a hole inside me

I have a hole inside me. It's not real but I can feel it growing every day. It's next to my heart and it hurts. I know something belongs there I just haven't filled it yet.

Today over 60 people were killed in Nice, France. A few days ago there were the shootings in Dallas. A few weeks ago there was the shooting in Orlando. This year has taken it's tool on me. No- this summer has taken its toll.

It makes me incredibly sad. It makes the hole bigger every time I hear about something else. And those are just the stories that come across my radar because they're big enough headlines. I can't bear to think about what else is out there happening. It makes the hole bigger.

I want to do so much with my life and right now I feel as if I will never get anywhere. I feel like sitting on my bed, writing this post, is my life. I want to write a novel but I'm afraid I will never finish one. I want to travel the world but I'm afraid I will never have enough money. I want to do something great but I'm afraid I don't count.

Things are wrong with me on a chemical level.

My hole gets bigger every day. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post or with this blog.

I think I am trying to carve a little personal corner of the internet. Something that's just for me and for anyone else who wants to see it. Things will get personal here. I hope that means good things. I hope that means filling my hole. Because I think that is my plan with this blog- to fill the hole.

I think I am trying to put down a record of my writing. I don't want it to be a writing blog I want it to be a progress blog. I want to celebrate the small things but not kill the dead horse. I want to be able to look back and look at the happy moments and the bad moments and see where I was and where I will go.

I think I am trying to keep myself accountable. For something. For anything. I think I am trying to have a place where I can keep memories from all the traveling I want to do. I think I am trying to have a place where I can talk about my faith, my political views, my family and not be judged.

I think. I hope. I fear. I have a hole. I just don't know.

Something is wrong and I want to make it right.