how i diffuse

Words.

Back up: today there is a coup happening in Turkey. I am here watching from across the sea and on a screen. I am very upset about everything.

When I get upset there a two things that happen. Either I am a bomb ready to blow, full of energy, wanting to punch walls or punch the bed or rip pages out of books and magazines. Or I am nothing and I lay somewhere existing minimally.

Today is the former and I am almost glad because that is when I have more control. As much as I want to, I don't hit walls, I hit pillows, I hit my bed, I hit soft things that will bounce back. I don't rip out pages, I rip up cardboard or old newspaper. Sometimes I try to rip already ripped clothing but I am often not strong enough to create a good tear.

And I can diffuse the bomb.

Music on repeat is one of the best things I can do. I listen to the same song, though the song itself doesn't matter (today it is Popular Song by MIKA feat. Ariana Grande because that's what the shuffle gods chose). The words don't really matter. I just keep them playing. Even if I don't hear it at least I don't hear the rest of the world.

Writing in manic sprints is the other best thing I can do. Writing is the best outlet for me. Sometimes that's TQR, sometimes it's just plotting, sometimes its a blog post. Tonight it's a blogpost.

Sometimes I'm just filled with a burst of energy, good or bad, where I feel like a bomb and, when I'm rational enough, I grab my computer and furiously type something out. When it's TQR it only takes a page or two before I've calmed down enough to either sleep or get on with my day. A few nights ago I was just struck with this energy and got through a page and a half without realizing time was passing and then just stopped because all that energy was wasted.

The energy often feels like something I need to physically exert. But at weird hours of the day I can't just go running. Especially since I am not a good runner and the the energy comes later in the evening or early in the morning.

I've been trying to exert the energy before it arrives but I don't think it's working. So for now, to defuse, I use words.