i have a hole inside me

I have a hole inside me. It's not real but I can feel it growing every day. It's next to my heart and it hurts. I know something belongs there I just haven't filled it yet.

Today over 60 people were killed in Nice, France. A few days ago there were the shootings in Dallas. A few weeks ago there was the shooting in Orlando. This year has taken it's tool on me. No- this summer has taken its toll.

It makes me incredibly sad. It makes the hole bigger every time I hear about something else. And those are just the stories that come across my radar because they're big enough headlines. I can't bear to think about what else is out there happening. It makes the hole bigger.

I want to do so much with my life and right now I feel as if I will never get anywhere. I feel like sitting on my bed, writing this post, is my life. I want to write a novel but I'm afraid I will never finish one. I want to travel the world but I'm afraid I will never have enough money. I want to do something great but I'm afraid I don't count.

Things are wrong with me on a chemical level.

My hole gets bigger every day. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post or with this blog.

I think I am trying to carve a little personal corner of the internet. Something that's just for me and for anyone else who wants to see it. Things will get personal here. I hope that means good things. I hope that means filling my hole. Because I think that is my plan with this blog- to fill the hole.

I think I am trying to put down a record of my writing. I don't want it to be a writing blog I want it to be a progress blog. I want to celebrate the small things but not kill the dead horse. I want to be able to look back and look at the happy moments and the bad moments and see where I was and where I will go.

I think I am trying to keep myself accountable. For something. For anything. I think I am trying to have a place where I can keep memories from all the traveling I want to do. I think I am trying to have a place where I can talk about my faith, my political views, my family and not be judged.

I think. I hope. I fear. I have a hole. I just don't know.

Something is wrong and I want to make it right.