It wasn't something I didn't even bat an eye at doing, but I did it, and while there are no visible consequences- I'm not in trouble with anyone, I'm not losing any money or academic standing or friendships, I'm not getting hooked into something I don't want- there are some emotional ones.
Hindsight is always 20/20.
Some people may say the thing wasn't bad, and perhaps they're right. But for me it was a bad decision. I talked to someone I shouldn't have and had I given myself time to think instead of just rushing forward I would have laughed at myself for even seriously considering it.
But after our conversation ended and we parted ways, I immediately had a sense of dread, had weird emotions rising up, and just felt adrift.
All day I've felt adrift, as if I'm not on solid land anymore. I don't feel like me all the time, like I've split into two people. The person before and during the conversation, and now, me, the person after who has to clean up for that other version.
It's not a sense of hating myself or feeling depressed or anxious, it's a sense of not being entirely present and easily pulled away from my regular life.
As soon as I was in my right mindset I made sure that I wouldn't be talking to this person again. It shouldn't come up again, and if I ever trade words with the person they won't be the same type of words and they won't be frequent.
But still.
Now that I've kind of lost myself I'm looking to find myself. I've decided to step back and really figure out who I am. That doesn't mean my life is going to change, but I need to know what my priorities are and I need to know that these are what matter to me and I shouldn't jeopardize them.
There's a board about wellness here at my school and I think I'm going to take it's advice. It recognizes several different types of wellness (spiritual, environmental, social, emotional, intellectual, and physical) and I want to start focusing on all of them. I think I'll be posting about this again, but I can't promise it will be anytime soon.
One thing I do know: I don't want to stop writing. Writing has helped me. It's gotten me back on sound ground and I've begun to see that I'm not completely adrift, didn't completely stray from my morals, and that I can turn back. It will take a bit, but this is an experience I think I needed to have so that I can bounce back from it.
I just wanted to let someone know.
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