I'm Stagnating

in basically everything I do. You could call it procrastination, but it's different than that. It's the feeling that I really don't have anything to work towards and that I won't achieve anything either way. It's stagnating because I can't see the future. I get little bursts of energy that will motivate me through periods of time that last from only an hour to two full weeks but then I stagnate again. Depression and anxiety and other mental and emotional health reasons surely affect it, but I don't think I should put the blame entirely on that. I think I let myself just STOP and it's started to kill some of my creative spirit and some of what makes me me.

I haven't been posting here, but I'm going to try to do that again. Though it will certainly be more tangental and just kinda on and about everything and everyone, even if it's not writing related.

With writing: TQR has been sucking something out of me. I've been working on it for too long and feeling like I'm getting nowhere and every time I sit and look at it I feel like I have to start over. That's not happening, I've decided. I don't want to start over- at least not right now- when I've put so much into it. I'm not giving up on the piece, but I'm giving myself a year, maybe more maybe less. I need to move onto more fertile ground, and I need to move onto something that feels untapped and new and limitless. Scrolling through all my ideas, all my stories, one still feels very fresh and it is nothing like TQR and that's Lamp and Mirror. So, finally, finally, I'm going to sit back and write it and we'll see where it goes.

Rough Estimate:

• Rough Draft (with a month or so for planning): April-August
• Break + Editing (aka drafts 2, 3, 4): September-February (2018)
• Break/Alpha Readers (close friends): March-April
• Second Draft (more like draft 5, really, but it's getting more of an overhaul than the others): May-August
• Break/Beta Readers (close friends+a professional+others): September-November
• Editing (aka drafts 6, 7, 8): December-April (2019)
• Break + Final Draft (including about a month for final touch-ups): May-October

I may be thinking too far ahead, but it gives me some perspective on how long this will really take and I need to let myself take this long with writing it because it's important. If it goes faster, great.

School: I'm stagnating here, too. Even now, as I type this, I should be working on homework. I have three essays, around 200 pages of reading, and notes to take, but I just don't want to. I don't see the reason, the need, to do it. I do understand why it's all important- that's not the problem, but my stagnation is preventing me from really and actually understanding the worth of these things.

Which relates to study abroad: I really want to go. I know that now. I know that I NEED to go because it will change my life. But I'm stagnating. This will change, tomorrow, because it needs to.

Why? Yesterday was not a great day. It wasn't awful but it was not good. I felt uncared-for, even as I went to ends to make sure others felt cared for and about. It's draining to not feel as if you're getting anything back from a relationship. An episode of yesterday: I don't have a roommate (well, I do now, but I don't actually know who they are)

SIDE NOTE: MY GRADES JUST CAME BACK< BUT I DON"T WANT TO LOOK???
Okay I looked, and I'm literally laughing because none of my professors turned in grade reports for midterms (they don't have to) so that's fine. If you're failing they have to let you know, so I'm clearly not failing.

because my roommate from this year is going to be living with another of our friends (which is fine and good because then things work out best for them, it was just low-key shady how they did it behind my back but that's a different story I think) and all my other friends already have roommates. Plus, as I'm studying abroad next year, I'll only be around for one ten-week term, so it's really not much time. (This is why I need to study abroad! Well, one of the reasons.) I managed to get the same suite as two of my friends (both my roommate this year and the other one, that she's rooming with) which I have mixed feelings about. I have, not necessarily in the last two weeks, but definitely this term, felt like a third wheel (they're not dating but like it still stands) when I hang out with them. Living with just them and a stranger feels... scary? But again, only ten weeks. And they were happy- and I thought they were happy for me; but it seems they were only happy for themselves. I mean, I'm happy for them (they were worried about getting two people they didn't know and now they only get one) and I'm happy for me. A few comments, though, made it clear that they weren't really aware of... me as a person as much as me as a piece, I guess. I'm tangental- and they'll look out for each other and I look out for myself.

I'm ranting and it's making me sad. But that was an episode. And surely part of it is colored through how I feel, but when I try to make it clear how I feel- When I say week's in advance that I'm super stressed about rooming next year and don't really know what to do and they get mad at me (another story) then I don't want to tell them these things anymore.

And I don't want to make them seem like bad friends. Really, they're not. I promise you, Internet, that they are really solid, really great friends and we will all stay friends for a long time and, seriously, it's not unhealthy relationships. I've been in those- I know. But right now, I'm in a place where they can't/won't reach (not just these two, but all my friends, really- different stories) and I don't want to reach from alone.

So I need to study abroad, is the bottom line.

Are you still reading this? Thank you, seriously, for sticking along I didn't really know where this was going when I started, just that I needed to let people know what was up.

Reading: This, at least, is picking up. We'll see for how long.

Summer: Holds all the potential if I can only get through this school year. Five more weeks! I know I can do it, I did it last year. Flunk day is coming up (which is both a super-stressor and also something I'm really looking forward to). I have Plans for this summer (they're not grand but they exist at least!). I got a raise (almost a whole dollar!) at work. I can do this. I know I can. I just need to stop stagnating.

And if you're still reading this: do you have any advice? How do i get out of this, dare I say, life slump? I'm sure I can google answers (and I probably will) but first-hand would be really great to hear.

That's not a good place to stop but I need to eat.

I'm Writing Again, Kinda + New Plans

I got the urge to write pretty hard not too long ago, and while I'm not ready to set aside time each day yet and dedicate myself to a project, I did give in and start writing again. Sorta.

What I did was I started fleshing out characters for a graphic novel series I want to write. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but it's called Wonderland, and it's about high schoolers who end up in this other world. Yeah, great description, I know, but I don't want to talk to much about it yet, because it's still near and dear to my heart and it actually plays with one of my favorite fiction tropes, subverting it. But again, I don't want to say exactly what that is because it's kind of a surprise twist and spoiler for the series, if I ever do get it made.

Fleshing out the characters has been a rather nice experience. In fact, while I've had really rough versions of the characters in my head for a while I never even had names written on the page, and now that I've got more than a general direction for their independent stories I'm rather pleased.

I also took time to figure out new plans for when I want to get certain projects, writing things done. For TQR I'm going to be doing a complete rewrite of it from April through August. I decided on the complete rewrite because the words I used for the first draft just aren't salvageable at this point. The overall arc of the story and the characters isn't really changing much if at all, but the language is getting a new look from the base up. Then I'll be sending it to some people to test read in September and October, so I'll take a complete break away from looking at the book during that time. Starting in November I'll be editing the whole thing again and seeing where it goes from there.

In September I'll also take the time to start planning the "companion" to TQR.

For LAM I'm going to begin the rough draft in April, but that's going to be second priority to TQR, so I expect it to take me through the remainder of the year after that. We'll see how quickly it takes me to write it, though.

For now, that's the new plan. I may get back to blogging soon, too. Hang tight, friends.

POV Edits are Done!!!

Not much else to say except that now I'm one step closer to being done with this novel.

For the rest of this week I won't really be bothering with it, I want the few days rest, but on Sunday I'm going to go through all my notes on the book and print out a physical copy to do some edits on. It should take me about two-three days to hand edit the chapters for continuity problems and with ten chapters that means I'm shooting to finish the handwritten portion by the end of January. February, then, I will focus on putting those edits onto the computer and pulling everything together in a cohesive, if still not perfect, story. And then a break as I send it out to alpha readers!

It was so nice to be able to reread the book this way, and it's actually my first time going through it all completely. I have a feeling I'll be going through it a lot during the next year.

See you all again in January!

December Writing Goals & State of Samantha

I'm stealing this from the genius that is Brandon Sanderson. Every year in December he does a post where he lets people know where he's at with his many projects. Since I've talked about several this year I thought I'd bring them up and tell you where I am with each of them, since the state of them has changed throughout the year. I'm also including my goals for the month and what I achieved since last month at the bottom of the post.

The Queen's Ransom

My main project at the moment. I have a 400 days plan, which I'll talk about in the latter half of the post. If I can't manage that I'll stick to the original plan, which involves finishing completely by either May of 2018 or April of 2019. Currently I'm finishing POV editing, which I'm hopeful will be done soon, and then move to continuity editing before sending it off to a few choice Alpha Readers. While that's with readers I'll be taking a crack at the "epic" version I've talked about. I don't know where that will lead, but you'll definitely be kept updated.

Lamp and Mirror

Originally the idea for this story was completely different, but now it has morphed into a victorian-era vampire romance trilogy, which will probably be my next project. I plan to start writing it by June of next year, though the sooner the better. If all goes to plan I'll have the rough draft done in September.

Whole New World

The companion novel to The Queen's Ransom (and title subject to change) will also be a project I begin in the new year. I don't think I'll get to it until the latter half of the year, which means, tentatively, October through December will be the rough draft stage of this book. 

Wheel and Cog

This is the project of my heart and I dearly want to write it, but I don't know when I will. It means to much to mess up and while the big picture doesn't evolve the small details do slowly. I don't think I'll get to it next year but I will get to it eventually, so stay tuned.

Septology Project

On the way back burner for right now. I don't even know if it will be written at this point because the spark has mostly died. Most likely I will take ideas from it for other projects, which I think is the best course of action for this one.

Previously Unmentioned

There are several projects I want to work on in the new year that I've never mentioned on here before, so I thought I'd throw them in.

Train Towns

This is a novella full of a lot of different things that I want to at least start in the new year. I want to keep it short and sweet and I'm hoping it will be good enough to submit to magazines or competitions when it's done. My plan is to start the rough draft in February.

Monsters Under Bed/Monsters in my Head

A poem that has also been circulating in my mind for a bit. I think I will begin this in May, after it's been circulating a bit more. Again, I'm hoping it's good enough, when it'd done, to send off to competitions.

DECEMBER GOALS

I'll be continuing my rewrite/POV editing this month and my plan is to also get through the continuity. However, I recently came up with a rather ambitious 400 days schedule. This means I want to finish the book and have it out there for submissions before 400 days have passed. You're wondering why 400. Well, in 400 days (less now) I'll be having my last day of work at where I work since I'll then be leaving for studying abroad and can't keep the job overseas and don't have any plans to immediately return after studying abroad. If I can have a novel up on it's own feet in that time I think it would be brilliant. Here are the next big hurdles according to my 400 days plan:

• December 15th -- finish POV editing
• January 14th -- finish continuity editing
• March 15th -- finish with Alpha Readers

It's Been One Week Since the Election

It has indeed been one week since the fateful events that gave us President-Elect Trump. Since that time a lot has happened. For me:

- I finished the extended edition Lord of the Rings movies
- I finished my classes for the term
- I took a trip to Davenport IA and really enjoyed it (and I'm going back)
- I started getting ready for Christmas
- I nearly finished planning my trip to Colorado
- The sun rose
- The weather got really warm, then really cold, and now it's pleasant
- I got really mad at someone for not doing their job
- I laughed at the Joe Biden memes
- I had dialogues with people about why Trump was elected
- I cried a lot in the beginning
- My aunt had a baby boy (unnamed as of yet, but they're considering Chester, which I think is cute)
- The Beauty and the Beast trailer came out and I loved it
- New Hamilton mixtape songs dropped
- I started a lifestyle blog and love it
- I created a budget for winter break so I don't spend too much
- I sent some letters but one of them was returned because I have no idea where the person lives now
- I tried to get into contact with some friends but they are slow at responding, lol
- I read some books
- I bought a really pretty copy of The Once and Future King
- I got to hang out with my friends a lot
- I had pizza
- I actually paid for something with change instead of charging it because I'm becoming more mature I think
- I took some warm showers
And those are just some of the things. The world goes on and I am happy.

Do I still get upset when I remember that Donald Trump will be our president? Hell yeah I do. Sometimes people get cuts on their heart, things happen, and then those cuts scar. I have a few of my own and this, well, it feels kinda like how those feel. Except not really. Maybe it's just bruised my heart. It won't ever get better, it'll always be tender, but overall it will fade away bit by bit.

I saw a post by someone who said the way many people felt after the election was the way they felt when they were depressed. It was a very good way to put it, because it did indeed feel that way to me.

I ended my last post about the election with this

Is there more to say? Yes. So much. So much. too much. But not today. Today, I rest. Tomorrow I find my feet again- my strength. Take a day by a day until again we are not just walking but running. Until
Soon.
Don't let this stop your world. Let this reignite it.

and I want to comment on it.

There is still so much more to say but I don't think I'm the one to say it.

I did rest that day. The next day I did get back to my feet. I was sore but I did it. The day after that I may not have been running, but I was speed-walking. I was getting thing back on track and finding the road again. I did. And now I think I'm ready to run again. It is soon.

The next election isn't for another four years, but I'm already ready for it. These next four years I'm going to stay up on the news, on who's running, on what the current members of the government are doing, locally and nationally, and what all the policies are. I want to be an ACTIVE member of my country. I want to make it a better country- one I would be pleased to raise kids in (yes, that's far away for me, but still). And when it gets closer I want to donate to whoever I'm backing, I want to be a part of it all.  This is my plan. My re-ignition.

What's your plan?

A Change of Scenery?

Not literally. And perhaps scenery isn't the best word. But I just finished watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and it's got me yearning to write something epic. But I'm already writing something set in a fantasy world and I don't want to let it alone.

But what if I changed the story and made it an epic fantasy? Instead of a novella?

It could still be a fairytale, I think, so perhaps not so much of one. I'm not sure.

It's something to seriously consider, though, because there are, suddenly, a lot of ideas that would fit into this story in this new epic scenery.

So, new plan: finish editing and turning this draft from 1st person pov to 3rd. Then, rather than go through and fix all the continuity, I'm going to send it to alpha readers (though not all, just one or two I think) and see what they think of this version and also tell them what I'm thinking of for the new version, if I were to turn it to epic fantasy, or how I would fix this version and keep it fairytale. When they're finished I'd be curious to see their answers. Then, in that meantime, I think I will work on a epic fantasy version of this story, just to test out what it would look like. That's the new plan.

Let's see how it goes.

November Writing Goals

Well, I've gotten back into the swing of writing again, and that's been great. Part of this has to come with mastering my schedule, and the other part has to come from just sitting down and actually writing and realizing I still enjoy doing this. So yay! Also, it's Nano, and while I'm participating it's editing participating, which I don't consider as hard as writing an original novel during this time. But I'm still here to cheer everyone on!

My plan is to continue the "rewrite" that I'm doing for the rest of this month, which is basically just changing everything from first person point of view to third. It's a pretty easy task and as I've been going I've been taking notes on what I want to change when it comes time to editing and some of the questions I've begun to ask myself about the story are huge plot and book changers. Which is fine, I'm not panicking (lies). I have this month and next month scheduled for this, but at this pace I might actually be able to finish it up in a quarter of that time. In which case I'll start the hard copy editing process, which will be very cool to be able to do. I'll keep you updated if that does end up happening.

One more thing: I recently read On Writing, which is a phenomenal book (I strongly recommend it) and in it Stephen King says that you often stumble upon the "moral" around the time of the second draft. Well, I found it. And, let's just say, it's not what I was expecting. While writing I did see it lurking around the corners of the text, and I kind of denied it because that's not what I had set out to write and I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to write. But the book has other ideas and now I must write it. That moral is something like this:

Using original fairytales to exploit what it means to have the right to live and die by your own hand.

Huh. Not the story I thought it was at first but I'm not complaining. It also changes the "audience" I was originally intending for it to be written for. In early drafts it was for YA audiences. Then I realized it was a kind of universal adult/ya reading (like how most fantasy in the adult section can be seen this way). But now I'm thinking, hey, maybe it's something closer to New Adult and Adult than straight up YA/adult crossover. Of course, that's just some thoughts, but knowing who the audience I'm writing for is really helps the writing itself.

Well, those are my goals, and I'm so glad to be back writing again because it's been really, really wonderful.

*holds head in hands* It's been too long a.k.a. October Writing Goals

So, I haven't posted here in a while because I haven't done a bunch of writing in a while, but I want to pull you up to speed so real quickly:

I did reach my goal last month of finishing my rough draft of TQR so that's great! But I didn't start WaC and didn't write either of the posts I wanted to get to. Okay, that's fine I guess. I did change my goals a bit, and I talked about that at the end of last month. I'm going to spend even more time than I originally planned just working on TQR because it really needs my help which means WaC is being pushed back again.

The goals for this month:

Continue writing "around" the story. I imagine I'll be doing this for several months, but this is the month I'm choosing to focus on it.

Start rewriting the original draft.

That's it for goals. They're really minor, but things will probably be picking up again shortly.

September Writing Goals

It's been a while since I last posted and that's not due to the fact that I've been writing furiously. Because I have not been. Because I have been bad and easily distracted. Sad face.

Before I get into my goals, can I bring your attention to the name of the Blog. It was previously called Fernweh, and while I still really like that word, I wasn't in love with it as the title of my blog. So, for now, it's going to be called The Motley Bird, based off of a very strange bird that appeared in my dream last night.

Onto the goals!

I want to finish up the first draft of The Queen's Ransom. I have a feeling it will only take me sitting down and pounding away at the keyboard for about three hours to finish this one up, and I'm both excited and saddened that it will be over. But we both know that it's not exactly tip-top shape, so I also want to get most of the way through editing/rewriting the book. It's going to take pretty much all my time this month, but it's something I'm super eager to start digging into.

It's also time to finally start writing Wheel and Cog! I want to lock down the history of the world in the book (it's more or less our history but with a few modifications) and then I want to get about a third of the way into the book before all is said and done this month.

Not writing related, there are a few blog posts here I finally want to get around to writing. I tend to start posts and then not finish them and publish them, and since I hate scheduling things here and like it to be "of-the-moment" posting, I don't often like to share what is in the works behind the scenes here. But, these are two posts I think are important to get out this month. One is about diversity in books and why it's important and my take on it. I have a lot of things to say and I've been debating how to say them every morning for a week. I also want to write about what books mean to me. There's a little bit of a sad story in there, but nothing too bad.

Welcome to my petty, competitive side:

I'm not normally a petty person but in some things I get so angry that I just want to have the last laugh.

Lately I've been thinking about high school. I'm currently a sophomore in college, so high school wasn't that long ago. But during the last year or so I didn't really let myself think about it. I was ready to leave and, honestly, there are only a few things I miss (my old history teacher, the french fries, the warm cookies, a pair of English teachers) and little else. The people I wanted to stay connected with I did (more or less).

But near the end of the last school year and this summer I've really given a lot of thought to it. And I realized that I had really hated high school. Maybe not actively, but passively. It wasn't really an environment I enjoyed learning in and I always felt like an outsider.

So much of an outsider that I didn't realize it until after I had graduated. I had known I wasn't really a popular kid, but looking back I'm able to see, now, that I was never on anyone's radar. I really ignored that while I was there and I think that's probably a good thing. My mental health was starting to deteriorate around junior year anyways, and had I fully recognized my role at the school during that time I think things might have progressed much more disastrously.

I'm not going to go into details (today. I might someday. When I feel like I can talk about it without getting really upset about certain things I've only just begun to recognize and realize about my high school career) but I just wanted to set up as to why I have this little fire lit inside me regarding high school.

I'm always setting goals for myself (have you noticed, haha) and this most recent one is a petty little stab at all the people I went to high school with.

By the time the five year reunion rolls around I want to be a published author. Or about to be published. I want to have at least signed a contract with a publisher agreeing to publish a book I've written. Ideally I'll already have a book borne into the world and sitting on shelves at Barnes and Noble.

By the ten year reunion I want to be a New York Times bestselling author. Wow, that's a jump, you're probably thinking. But, honestly, it's a dream I've always had. In fact, I've talked about it here on the blog before. I don't have to be number one on the list by the ten year, but I want to have at least hit the list once so that my books can, from that point onward, tell the world that I was on the list.

By the fifteen year reunion I want to have a stable career. Okay, maybe this should be ten year, you're thinking? Well, who knows. If they both happen, then great. But if I can just write for the rest of my life and not have to ever have another job then I would be happy. If I can manage to secure this dream by the fifteenth I'll be pretty happy.

By the twenty year reunion... well, actually I don't know what I want this goal to be. Yes, I want a milestone to be passed at this point, but I don't know what I want that milestone to be. That goes for the rest of the reunions after this as well.

So maybe you're thinking, that's not very petty, Sam. Well, it is because there's an extra motivation working outside of my regular ones for these goals: I want to prove to these people I went to high school with that I'm fucking awesome and rub it in their faces. (A few people in particular, but I'm not naming names.)

To recap (mostly for myself): in 2020 I want a book published, in 2025 I want to be on the bestseller list, and in 2030 I want a steady writing career.

A little bit of writing inspiration and some goals

I am ten days behind my schedule for when I wanted certain things done. Which wouldn't make me so frustrated except that I was just being lazy and had already elongated my schedule quite a bit to make room for these sorts of things. So I thought I'd put some goals out on here that would really motivate me since you guys are reading it and judging me.

August 11
TQR for half hour
August 12
TQR for half hour
August 13
TQR for 45 mins        
edit for 15 mins          Reward: giant cookie slice from pie five
August 14
TQR for 45 mins
edit for 15 mins
August 15
TQR for an hour
edit for half hour
August 16
TQR for an hour
edit for half hour          Reward: try new "coffee bar" place
August 17
TQR for half hour
August 18
TQR for half hour
August 19
TQR for an hour
edit for half hour          Reward: treat myself to a cookie dough shake from Sonic
August 20
TQR for 45 mins
edit for 15 mins
August 21
TQR for 45 mins
edit for 15 mins          Reward: get small sketchbook for school

Big Rewards:
Finishing Chapter Six  Buy the first book in the Codex Alera series
Finishing Chapter Seven  Buy new pens

***Can you tell that food, books, and art motivate me? Haha I hope this works I really do. If I fuck up and don't meet a goal I will be commenting below that I have messed up and, so, that's how you'll know I guess.***

i want to talk about something serious and personal:

I want to talk about weight.

More specifically, my weight.

I weigh 158lbs. And for my 5foot1inch frame that puts me into, according the bmi (body mass index) chart, in the obese category.

<<Deep breath>> This is hard to talk about but if I put it up here I think it will help me stick to it.

I want to lose weight. I've wanted to lose weight for a while. And now, I really really need to lose weight. Here's why:

For health: Lately I have been feeling sick and sluggish and just icky. My chest has been hurting, my skin is bursting with uncomfortable and messy acne, and I'm super emotional and have very little motivation. I think my weight has something to do with all of this. Not only is it a drain on my physical health, but I think it's also hurt my mental health because I am both stressing over things like chest pains and also unhappy with how I look.

For vanity: Yeah, this is a part of it and I'm not ashamed by it. I've never been very skinny and I've always felt clunky and a little of an outcast because of it. Say what you will about body positivity (and I've never been bullied because of my weight or anything it's just been a silent thing I may be hallucinating about but still) but as much as I try to be positive I only manage it about 50% of the time. And if I want to lose weight because of vanity, why not? It's my body and if I think it will make me happier and healthier why wouldn't I try it?

So here's how I'm going to do it.

End Goal: Get to 120 lbs in less than a year. 120 is a healthy and, according to BMI charts, "optimal" for me so that's my goal. I'd love, for once in my life, to be "optimal".
Step Goals: Lose 2 lbs a week. I think this is totally possible. At least for now. If I find this a far too easy task I'll definitely raise the goal.

Working Out: I plan to work out every day or so. Even a little is something. I want to wean myself onto harder workouts. So next week is when I'm going to really kick it into gear and try to run a mile every single day. It's a little intimidating but also a little exciting. I'll have to find something to watch/read/listen to as I run. I'm up for suggestions!

Dieting: The big thing right now is going to be cutting out snacks and extra sugars. Which means only soda thrice a week. Thrice sounds good. And then I can have a soda Friday, Saturday, and Sunday which is when I tend to want soda with a meal as I tend to eat out then anyways. I think I can do it. And I definitely have to cut out a bunch of candy. I eat far too much as it is. Having smaller meals and stopping before I'm full are also things I want to implement but they're not the major goal at the moment.

When I'll post next about weight: when I lose ten pounds and keep it off for a week. I think that sounds good. Or this time next month. Whatever ends up coming first. I think both will happen at the same time.

That's it for me. It's easy to put goals down and it's harder to face reality and deal with these things. So, this is just to put it out there and help keep me accountable.