What now?

For the past hour and a half or so I've been having what I call a "quiet anxiety attack" because it's not as bad as they can get, and it's not completely crippling, and if you were to talk to me it would probably seem like nothing is wrong. What happened is I called work to get my schedule and they gave it to me. Nothing went wrong, I put my schedule into my calendar, and then I started having a quiet anxiety attack because immediately I went to all the ways things could go wrong.

For example: I'm not scheduled to work for the rest of the week. My thought: Does this mean the person I asked didn't see that I work this week and so told me the wrong day and now I'm going to get a call when I'm in the middle of something else and not be able to make it? And then what will happen?

It's irrational. I doubt the person misread anything. But if they did, it's at this point out of my hands; I called and got my schedule and I will be going to work for those days that I was told I was scheduled to work. Done, nothing else to do. If I get a call tomorrow I can tell them what happened and I can know it's not my fault because I have no way of knowing.

Another example: I'm schedule to go to work early and unload trucks. I haven't been schedule to do this since last summer and I don't know the etiquette. My thought: what if it isn't trucks? What if we're doing something else? What if I wear the wrong uniform? What if I get there too early.

Irrational. I keep reminding myself that I'm being irrational. Everything will work out and I have to remember that.

***

But why am I telling you? Well, I think it's time we talked about work on here because my job, a part-time retail job that I rather enjoy when it's not giving me anxiety attacks.

I know it's not a permanent job and I've long planned to leave it after December of this year because, if things work out, I'll be studying abroad and won't be able to keep it while I'm abroad (I have to work once every so many weeks to stay on the payroll). Then, next summer, I can try to get an internship in publishing. It works out perfectly! Yet even though it's not permanent, and I'm more than halfway done with it, and even though I really do love working where I work, inside it's kinda constraining.

I'm not the most people person out there and I know it. Interacting with the customers drains me and by the end of a shift I don't want to do anything. It's made me realize, more than anything else, that I can't live this sort of life and I have to be a writer. That may sound... strange? I don't know, but it may sound sorta selfish too, perhaps. But having his job has convinced me that, in the long run, I can't be happy with this life and I need to have a life where I can write and make money on that writing.

One of the goals this summer is to really stick to writing and get things done in a large enough capacity that I feel like a real writer.

***

But to be a writer I need to have something I'm working on and right now, I don't. I mean, I do, but it's not one solid project. I've been bouncing around from project to project because it's become difficult finding something that really grabs my muse and allows me to tell a story right now.

Last night and tonight I reembarked on a television idea I had and I've begun outlining. Tonight I think I'm going to finish outlining season one and work on the script of the series. Is this the most feasible writing to begin with? Absolutely not because what am I going to do with these scripts? I can't exactly sell them and get a job that way. At least, not that I know of. But it is really fun to return to this idea that I had several years ago, tighten it up, and explore the world I had in mind. If nothing else, it's a good set of writing exercises that I can enjoy doing.

***

I haven't been super active on the blog and I know that. Things are going to pick up this summer. I want to do a weekly check in if I can manage it, talk about the projects I'm working on, and give you an idea for how things have been going.

This is partly for myself and partly because I think you all might find it interesting. I've also been considering doing a monthly vlog, starting at the beginning of the month and every time I do some major writing or need to vent about progress, taking it up with you guys and then editing and posting it all early the next month. We'll see how that goes, though. I've also considered getting an instagram again to talk about writing and reading things. Again, we'll see how it goes.

I'm Stagnating

in basically everything I do. You could call it procrastination, but it's different than that. It's the feeling that I really don't have anything to work towards and that I won't achieve anything either way. It's stagnating because I can't see the future. I get little bursts of energy that will motivate me through periods of time that last from only an hour to two full weeks but then I stagnate again. Depression and anxiety and other mental and emotional health reasons surely affect it, but I don't think I should put the blame entirely on that. I think I let myself just STOP and it's started to kill some of my creative spirit and some of what makes me me.

I haven't been posting here, but I'm going to try to do that again. Though it will certainly be more tangental and just kinda on and about everything and everyone, even if it's not writing related.

With writing: TQR has been sucking something out of me. I've been working on it for too long and feeling like I'm getting nowhere and every time I sit and look at it I feel like I have to start over. That's not happening, I've decided. I don't want to start over- at least not right now- when I've put so much into it. I'm not giving up on the piece, but I'm giving myself a year, maybe more maybe less. I need to move onto more fertile ground, and I need to move onto something that feels untapped and new and limitless. Scrolling through all my ideas, all my stories, one still feels very fresh and it is nothing like TQR and that's Lamp and Mirror. So, finally, finally, I'm going to sit back and write it and we'll see where it goes.

Rough Estimate:

• Rough Draft (with a month or so for planning): April-August
• Break + Editing (aka drafts 2, 3, 4): September-February (2018)
• Break/Alpha Readers (close friends): March-April
• Second Draft (more like draft 5, really, but it's getting more of an overhaul than the others): May-August
• Break/Beta Readers (close friends+a professional+others): September-November
• Editing (aka drafts 6, 7, 8): December-April (2019)
• Break + Final Draft (including about a month for final touch-ups): May-October

I may be thinking too far ahead, but it gives me some perspective on how long this will really take and I need to let myself take this long with writing it because it's important. If it goes faster, great.

School: I'm stagnating here, too. Even now, as I type this, I should be working on homework. I have three essays, around 200 pages of reading, and notes to take, but I just don't want to. I don't see the reason, the need, to do it. I do understand why it's all important- that's not the problem, but my stagnation is preventing me from really and actually understanding the worth of these things.

Which relates to study abroad: I really want to go. I know that now. I know that I NEED to go because it will change my life. But I'm stagnating. This will change, tomorrow, because it needs to.

Why? Yesterday was not a great day. It wasn't awful but it was not good. I felt uncared-for, even as I went to ends to make sure others felt cared for and about. It's draining to not feel as if you're getting anything back from a relationship. An episode of yesterday: I don't have a roommate (well, I do now, but I don't actually know who they are)

SIDE NOTE: MY GRADES JUST CAME BACK< BUT I DON"T WANT TO LOOK???
Okay I looked, and I'm literally laughing because none of my professors turned in grade reports for midterms (they don't have to) so that's fine. If you're failing they have to let you know, so I'm clearly not failing.

because my roommate from this year is going to be living with another of our friends (which is fine and good because then things work out best for them, it was just low-key shady how they did it behind my back but that's a different story I think) and all my other friends already have roommates. Plus, as I'm studying abroad next year, I'll only be around for one ten-week term, so it's really not much time. (This is why I need to study abroad! Well, one of the reasons.) I managed to get the same suite as two of my friends (both my roommate this year and the other one, that she's rooming with) which I have mixed feelings about. I have, not necessarily in the last two weeks, but definitely this term, felt like a third wheel (they're not dating but like it still stands) when I hang out with them. Living with just them and a stranger feels... scary? But again, only ten weeks. And they were happy- and I thought they were happy for me; but it seems they were only happy for themselves. I mean, I'm happy for them (they were worried about getting two people they didn't know and now they only get one) and I'm happy for me. A few comments, though, made it clear that they weren't really aware of... me as a person as much as me as a piece, I guess. I'm tangental- and they'll look out for each other and I look out for myself.

I'm ranting and it's making me sad. But that was an episode. And surely part of it is colored through how I feel, but when I try to make it clear how I feel- When I say week's in advance that I'm super stressed about rooming next year and don't really know what to do and they get mad at me (another story) then I don't want to tell them these things anymore.

And I don't want to make them seem like bad friends. Really, they're not. I promise you, Internet, that they are really solid, really great friends and we will all stay friends for a long time and, seriously, it's not unhealthy relationships. I've been in those- I know. But right now, I'm in a place where they can't/won't reach (not just these two, but all my friends, really- different stories) and I don't want to reach from alone.

So I need to study abroad, is the bottom line.

Are you still reading this? Thank you, seriously, for sticking along I didn't really know where this was going when I started, just that I needed to let people know what was up.

Reading: This, at least, is picking up. We'll see for how long.

Summer: Holds all the potential if I can only get through this school year. Five more weeks! I know I can do it, I did it last year. Flunk day is coming up (which is both a super-stressor and also something I'm really looking forward to). I have Plans for this summer (they're not grand but they exist at least!). I got a raise (almost a whole dollar!) at work. I can do this. I know I can. I just need to stop stagnating.

And if you're still reading this: do you have any advice? How do i get out of this, dare I say, life slump? I'm sure I can google answers (and I probably will) but first-hand would be really great to hear.

That's not a good place to stop but I need to eat.

It Feels Like I'm Giving Up- But I'm Moving Forward

Lately- the last two weeks- things have just been hard. Too hard. It's not the sort of straightforward depression that I was dealing with over the summer. It's a trickier kind. Or at least, it feels trickier. It's been a lot of insomnia, a lot of sudden drops in emotional wellness, and a lot of feeling overwhelmed. One night it got so bad- I only had half the things I needed to finish finished, a really bad headache, and a full day the next morning so I couldn't wake up any earlier to finish things. So I decided to give up. Everything.

But not really.

I made a list of all the things I need to do weekly/daily and all the things I liked doing weekly/daily, and all the things I wanted to be able to do weekly/daily. This ranged from attend classes to coloring books. It's not a huge list, maybe half a page, and I skipped past things like sleep and eat since I would do those anyways, but I may not always go to class.

Then I highlighted, in red because why not, the things I needed to do for bare minimum functioning every day/week. That was Classes, Quiver (the literary magazine I work for on campus), Reading, Television, Bookclub, and Homework. None of those were negotiable or I would probably explode.

And then I did a sort of bracket system for the rest of the listed items to see what needed to get done first and what order to slowly implement them all in.

Let me pause and draw your attention to something important- neither Writing nor Blogging made the list of things I needed to do every day/week. Because while I love both of them, they're both stressors. I had to cut them out of my life. I had to give up on them- for now. It's not going to be a permanent end to either of these two passions, but they are going to be going on an unplanned and sad hiatus. Here's what's happening next.

My top priority is to finish applying for Study Abroad. This has been one hell of an application process and it's only part one. I put things off I shouldn't have and now they're biting me in the ass. I may not be able to go because of my procrastination and it feels horrible. Of course, my procrastination really all stems back to depression and anxiety, but knowing that doesn't make me feel any better about anything especially as I'm watching some of my friends finish up their applications with flying colors.

When I finish that I want to begin implementing going to the gym once a week. My goal was to go three times a week, but I never had time when I was balancing everything else out. The gym makes me feel healthier and it helps me get out a lot of that pent up energy that is adding to my insomnia. If I can go to the gym regularly twice I'll feel like I've improved and can move on.

Which is when I'm going to be getting back into playing Pokemon. It doesn't seem like a priority, or at least like it shouldn't be, but it's something on the list that relaxes me. I have a good time playing, I get some zen time, and I don't feel guilty for missing other things if I make it a point to put time aside for it. So, yeah, this made it higher than blogging and writing.

Once I feel life has just about settled I'm going to begin blogging again. This is, I'm ball parking, not going to happen until the end of February or early March. That's further than I'd like it to be, but I need to do this for my own health. That mostly stands for my book blog, but I think it will stand for this one as well. I might stop by this one and tell about how I've been doing, but I'm not making any promises.

Writing probably won't begin again until the end of March or early April. I hate taking a break from writing even more than I hate taking a break from blogging, but the stress of it was killing me and stopping me from enjoying the writing and doing a good job on it. I want to return to it, but I know I can't do that for a while.

There are a bunch of other goals on my list, but going through them all isn't important and it will take too much time. But these are the important ones.

And you might not hear from me for a while. Don't be worried. Shoot me a question on twitter if you want- that may be my only link to the internet world for a while so I'm going to try to be active.

:)

So.

I have many thoughts about this election. Too many to keep in my head and too many to write down. There are words to use but none that I feel like I can master.

I am sad.

Slowly, like something has been pumping in and out of my heart, not blood, is how I feel.

But the sun did rise. And it is setting again. And it will rise again- tomorrow.

Yesterday morning, before I knew what the results of this election would be, I started watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy (extended edition obviously). They are my favorite movies and an eternal comfort. I chose to watch them because I was studying for finals and wanted something comforting as background noise that would neither distract me nor bore me.

I did not know how much I would need them. Not during the beginning of the election, before my nerves got the best of me and I could only watch election coverage. Not this morning, when I woke up. Not now, after I've been laying in bed for a few hours.

There is a message in the Lord of the Rings that is helping me get through today. And tomorrow. It is a message of hope- that even small people matter. that everyone can make a difference. we just have to stand up and try.

Is there more to say? Yes. So much. So much. too much. But not today. Today, I rest. Tomorrow I find my feet again- my strength. Take a day by a day until again we are not just walking but running. Until

Soon.

Don't let this stop your world. Let this reignite it.

I made a bad decision and it's messed me up a bit

It wasn't something I didn't even bat an eye at doing, but I did it, and while there are no visible consequences- I'm not in trouble with anyone, I'm not losing any money or academic standing or friendships, I'm not getting hooked into something I don't want- there are some emotional ones.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Some people may say the thing wasn't bad, and perhaps they're right. But for me it was a bad decision. I talked to someone I shouldn't have and had I given myself time to think instead of just rushing forward I would have laughed at myself for even seriously considering it.

But after our conversation ended and we parted ways, I immediately had a sense of dread, had weird emotions rising up, and just felt adrift.

All day I've felt adrift, as if I'm not on solid land anymore. I don't feel like me all the time, like I've split into two people. The person before and during the conversation, and now, me, the person after who has to clean up for that other version.

It's not a sense of hating myself or feeling depressed or anxious, it's a sense of not being entirely present and easily pulled away from my regular life.

As soon as I was in my right mindset I made sure that I wouldn't be talking to this person again. It shouldn't come up again, and if I ever trade words with the person they won't be the same type of words and they won't be frequent.

But still.

Now that I've kind of lost myself I'm looking to find myself. I've decided to step back and really figure out who I am. That doesn't mean my life is going to change, but I need to know what my priorities are and I need to know that these are what matter to me and I shouldn't jeopardize them.

There's a board about wellness here at my school and I think I'm going to take it's advice. It recognizes several different types of wellness (spiritual, environmental, social, emotional, intellectual, and physical) and I want to start focusing on all of them. I think I'll be posting about this again, but I can't promise it will be anytime soon.

One thing I do know: I don't want to stop writing. Writing has helped me. It's gotten me back on sound ground and I've begun to see that I'm not completely adrift, didn't completely stray from my morals, and that I can turn back. It will take a bit, but this is an experience I think I needed to have so that I can bounce back from it.

I just wanted to let someone know.

i keep forgetting i'm not allowed to be in a bad mood at home

because if I am people have a tendency to let me know it's my fault for being mad or angry and then to tell me something to make me feel worse as if that, also, is my fault.

how i diffuse

Words.

Back up: today there is a coup happening in Turkey. I am here watching from across the sea and on a screen. I am very upset about everything.

When I get upset there a two things that happen. Either I am a bomb ready to blow, full of energy, wanting to punch walls or punch the bed or rip pages out of books and magazines. Or I am nothing and I lay somewhere existing minimally.

Today is the former and I am almost glad because that is when I have more control. As much as I want to, I don't hit walls, I hit pillows, I hit my bed, I hit soft things that will bounce back. I don't rip out pages, I rip up cardboard or old newspaper. Sometimes I try to rip already ripped clothing but I am often not strong enough to create a good tear.

And I can diffuse the bomb.

Music on repeat is one of the best things I can do. I listen to the same song, though the song itself doesn't matter (today it is Popular Song by MIKA feat. Ariana Grande because that's what the shuffle gods chose). The words don't really matter. I just keep them playing. Even if I don't hear it at least I don't hear the rest of the world.

Writing in manic sprints is the other best thing I can do. Writing is the best outlet for me. Sometimes that's TQR, sometimes it's just plotting, sometimes its a blog post. Tonight it's a blogpost.

Sometimes I'm just filled with a burst of energy, good or bad, where I feel like a bomb and, when I'm rational enough, I grab my computer and furiously type something out. When it's TQR it only takes a page or two before I've calmed down enough to either sleep or get on with my day. A few nights ago I was just struck with this energy and got through a page and a half without realizing time was passing and then just stopped because all that energy was wasted.

The energy often feels like something I need to physically exert. But at weird hours of the day I can't just go running. Especially since I am not a good runner and the the energy comes later in the evening or early in the morning.

I've been trying to exert the energy before it arrives but I don't think it's working. So for now, to defuse, I use words.

i have a hole inside me

I have a hole inside me. It's not real but I can feel it growing every day. It's next to my heart and it hurts. I know something belongs there I just haven't filled it yet.

Today over 60 people were killed in Nice, France. A few days ago there were the shootings in Dallas. A few weeks ago there was the shooting in Orlando. This year has taken it's tool on me. No- this summer has taken its toll.

It makes me incredibly sad. It makes the hole bigger every time I hear about something else. And those are just the stories that come across my radar because they're big enough headlines. I can't bear to think about what else is out there happening. It makes the hole bigger.

I want to do so much with my life and right now I feel as if I will never get anywhere. I feel like sitting on my bed, writing this post, is my life. I want to write a novel but I'm afraid I will never finish one. I want to travel the world but I'm afraid I will never have enough money. I want to do something great but I'm afraid I don't count.

Things are wrong with me on a chemical level.

My hole gets bigger every day. I don't even know what I'm trying to say with this post or with this blog.

I think I am trying to carve a little personal corner of the internet. Something that's just for me and for anyone else who wants to see it. Things will get personal here. I hope that means good things. I hope that means filling my hole. Because I think that is my plan with this blog- to fill the hole.

I think I am trying to put down a record of my writing. I don't want it to be a writing blog I want it to be a progress blog. I want to celebrate the small things but not kill the dead horse. I want to be able to look back and look at the happy moments and the bad moments and see where I was and where I will go.

I think I am trying to keep myself accountable. For something. For anything. I think I am trying to have a place where I can keep memories from all the traveling I want to do. I think I am trying to have a place where I can talk about my faith, my political views, my family and not be judged.

I think. I hope. I fear. I have a hole. I just don't know.

Something is wrong and I want to make it right.