I'm Stagnating

in basically everything I do. You could call it procrastination, but it's different than that. It's the feeling that I really don't have anything to work towards and that I won't achieve anything either way. It's stagnating because I can't see the future. I get little bursts of energy that will motivate me through periods of time that last from only an hour to two full weeks but then I stagnate again. Depression and anxiety and other mental and emotional health reasons surely affect it, but I don't think I should put the blame entirely on that. I think I let myself just STOP and it's started to kill some of my creative spirit and some of what makes me me.

I haven't been posting here, but I'm going to try to do that again. Though it will certainly be more tangental and just kinda on and about everything and everyone, even if it's not writing related.

With writing: TQR has been sucking something out of me. I've been working on it for too long and feeling like I'm getting nowhere and every time I sit and look at it I feel like I have to start over. That's not happening, I've decided. I don't want to start over- at least not right now- when I've put so much into it. I'm not giving up on the piece, but I'm giving myself a year, maybe more maybe less. I need to move onto more fertile ground, and I need to move onto something that feels untapped and new and limitless. Scrolling through all my ideas, all my stories, one still feels very fresh and it is nothing like TQR and that's Lamp and Mirror. So, finally, finally, I'm going to sit back and write it and we'll see where it goes.

Rough Estimate:

• Rough Draft (with a month or so for planning): April-August
• Break + Editing (aka drafts 2, 3, 4): September-February (2018)
• Break/Alpha Readers (close friends): March-April
• Second Draft (more like draft 5, really, but it's getting more of an overhaul than the others): May-August
• Break/Beta Readers (close friends+a professional+others): September-November
• Editing (aka drafts 6, 7, 8): December-April (2019)
• Break + Final Draft (including about a month for final touch-ups): May-October

I may be thinking too far ahead, but it gives me some perspective on how long this will really take and I need to let myself take this long with writing it because it's important. If it goes faster, great.

School: I'm stagnating here, too. Even now, as I type this, I should be working on homework. I have three essays, around 200 pages of reading, and notes to take, but I just don't want to. I don't see the reason, the need, to do it. I do understand why it's all important- that's not the problem, but my stagnation is preventing me from really and actually understanding the worth of these things.

Which relates to study abroad: I really want to go. I know that now. I know that I NEED to go because it will change my life. But I'm stagnating. This will change, tomorrow, because it needs to.

Why? Yesterday was not a great day. It wasn't awful but it was not good. I felt uncared-for, even as I went to ends to make sure others felt cared for and about. It's draining to not feel as if you're getting anything back from a relationship. An episode of yesterday: I don't have a roommate (well, I do now, but I don't actually know who they are)

SIDE NOTE: MY GRADES JUST CAME BACK< BUT I DON"T WANT TO LOOK???
Okay I looked, and I'm literally laughing because none of my professors turned in grade reports for midterms (they don't have to) so that's fine. If you're failing they have to let you know, so I'm clearly not failing.

because my roommate from this year is going to be living with another of our friends (which is fine and good because then things work out best for them, it was just low-key shady how they did it behind my back but that's a different story I think) and all my other friends already have roommates. Plus, as I'm studying abroad next year, I'll only be around for one ten-week term, so it's really not much time. (This is why I need to study abroad! Well, one of the reasons.) I managed to get the same suite as two of my friends (both my roommate this year and the other one, that she's rooming with) which I have mixed feelings about. I have, not necessarily in the last two weeks, but definitely this term, felt like a third wheel (they're not dating but like it still stands) when I hang out with them. Living with just them and a stranger feels... scary? But again, only ten weeks. And they were happy- and I thought they were happy for me; but it seems they were only happy for themselves. I mean, I'm happy for them (they were worried about getting two people they didn't know and now they only get one) and I'm happy for me. A few comments, though, made it clear that they weren't really aware of... me as a person as much as me as a piece, I guess. I'm tangental- and they'll look out for each other and I look out for myself.

I'm ranting and it's making me sad. But that was an episode. And surely part of it is colored through how I feel, but when I try to make it clear how I feel- When I say week's in advance that I'm super stressed about rooming next year and don't really know what to do and they get mad at me (another story) then I don't want to tell them these things anymore.

And I don't want to make them seem like bad friends. Really, they're not. I promise you, Internet, that they are really solid, really great friends and we will all stay friends for a long time and, seriously, it's not unhealthy relationships. I've been in those- I know. But right now, I'm in a place where they can't/won't reach (not just these two, but all my friends, really- different stories) and I don't want to reach from alone.

So I need to study abroad, is the bottom line.

Are you still reading this? Thank you, seriously, for sticking along I didn't really know where this was going when I started, just that I needed to let people know what was up.

Reading: This, at least, is picking up. We'll see for how long.

Summer: Holds all the potential if I can only get through this school year. Five more weeks! I know I can do it, I did it last year. Flunk day is coming up (which is both a super-stressor and also something I'm really looking forward to). I have Plans for this summer (they're not grand but they exist at least!). I got a raise (almost a whole dollar!) at work. I can do this. I know I can. I just need to stop stagnating.

And if you're still reading this: do you have any advice? How do i get out of this, dare I say, life slump? I'm sure I can google answers (and I probably will) but first-hand would be really great to hear.

That's not a good place to stop but I need to eat.